epiphany?

i ended up asking my facebook friends how they make time for self-care and got a lot of good responses, including one that i read at 3:30 this morning from my yogi friend, Jim:

Sit and reach to the sky. Breathe nice and deeply as you do it. Don’t force. Massage your hands, Your feet. Relax your tongue and jaw when you think to. Don’t think, but just reach, massage, breathe and be with what you’re doing as you do it. Don’t feel badly about yourself. There’s plenty to love and appreciate about yourself. Your life. Your situation. See what’s good and positive in your life. Your surroundings. It’s all in there for you to feel and be with, darlin’. Just practice. That’s the key. Just do it. Practice. I smile at you while I write this. Smile at me as you read this. That’s part of the practice.

so, i started crying (an activity in which i’ve been participating an awful lot lately). merle woke up to lick off my tears and, as i cried harder because who lays in bed in the middle of the night sobbing? i realized something.

i’ve been numb. i don’t know (or care to analyze—right now anyway) when it started, but i had been going through life for so long, relatively emotionless, focusing on the next time nora would need to go out, the next meal to plan with matt, errands squeezed into a saturday, bike to work, work, bike home (biking and working are actually two things that i enjoy doing), clean up, go to bed.

i distinctly recall noticing, in the last year or so, that i never really got very mad or sad or happy or joyful. i’ve been like a sine wave that wasn’t oscillating.

so, i think all of these emotions i keep feeling are a result of the change of pace, responsibility, surroundings, situations. so, maybe it’s okay to cry in bed at 4 am.

the friend i made at furthur last year noted the following, and i think it’s going to be important for me to remember:

I let the other stuff go for awhile and tell myself it’s ok to just “be” right now because this transition is hard. and i don’t evaluate my feelings- i just let em exist.

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