i restarted yoga this morning. i also decided not to do the journaling part. i suppose i could start it separately later today. i remembered the pose she starts with and i think i did it better this time around. i guess that means i’m getting stronger. i hope that translates into a stronger mind and heart.
anyhoo, today is the first of nine days of bekee and i’m heading out to costco, old navy, menards, mounds, and woodman’s. i’m kinda glad it’s crappy out cuz i feel less bad about spending the day driving around.
oh! here’s my new toy:
i’m excited to get it all nerded up so i can develop on it.
the whole reason i came to make my last post was that i’ve been feeling kinda lame that i let the weather dictate my evening plans.
i go back and forth, though. i’m glad i’m spending more time with the dogs, cuz i know jones isn’t going to be around forever, and i don’t want to get all rain-geared up (or not) to sit at mickey’s or wilson’s with wet clothes on. but i need social interaction to remind me that i prefer being at home anyway.
my consternation about it today is that this is the start of birthday week and it’s shitty out so i’m sitting on my couch blogging (on my new-to-me macbook air that i bought from work omg it’s so smol and awesome).
thanks to the muscle relaxer, i slept through, but woke up at 5:30. i started work around 7, so the schedule of the day shifted greatly.
i had planned on working from home because the weather was predicted to be 38° and rainy (my least favorite, if you recall) so i scheduled picking a friend up to come over and fix the stairs leading up to the bedrooms.
the second and third risers appeared to be held in place by nails and caulk (maybe they all are?):
i wanted to get them flush back up because i’m going to paint them and put carpet treads on. i think that’s why jones has stopped coming upstairs to sleep, cuz he might slip on those stupid plastic treads.
i can’t believe it’s taken me nearly 11 years to start this project. anyway, the treads are gone, the risers are flush, and i get to make a trip to menards tomorrow to get primer and caulk. i should probably locate the paint scraper unless that went with matt and the toolbox.
oh, yea, i also need to get a toolbox. i have one from my dad but i don’t think i want to use it.
i torqued something in my back today. i don’t think it was from yoga, but maybe.
in any case, i made the decision to take a muscle relaxer tonight… so that means an early bedtime, and a groggy morning.
two things i realized today: trust is paramount. i distinctly remember when matt hid that he was smoking from me after he’d gone to vegas for kate’s wedding and come back. and when he hid those fucking vuse e-cigs, and when he was drinking to excess, and when he hid that he started up smoking again after we put nora down.
the first of those instances hurt the worst. and i didn’t do it consciously, but i know that’s when i started to stop being close.
the second thing is that i feel like i can do more things now. go out to music stuff that i know he wouldn’t like but tolerate. i didn’t not go out because he wouldn’t like coming with, but because our active time (errands, hanging, etc.) together was so short that i didn’t want to screw up the schedule by staying out late on a friday night and not having the energy to get done what we needed to get done.
now, i’m on my own schedule (aside from the dogs) and can adjust accordingly. it feels a little freeing. i guess.
before each yoga video, the author writes up some thoughts on how to shift your perspective and good eating habits and suggests a writing exercise in a transformation journal. i’ve been skipping the writing exercise cuz i don’t have time in the morning to do it.
anyway, in this morning’s lesson, she reminded me that we’re almost done and i got a little sad! but, i think i’ve decided that i’ll just start over and keep doing that each morning, on repeat, forever.
maybe when i start round two i’ll also start the journal. i think i have a blank book somewhere in the house.
my friend (and former boss at the doll factory) russell would frequently say that he was just faking [whatever it was], even tho it seemed like he always had shit under control. that was about eleven years ago and now i think i know what he meant.
matt asked me how my day was going today, and i think my response summed up my version of russell’s quip.
i don’t know… some days i feel like i’m just running around and being ineffectual and unsure if i’m actually contributing. today is one of those days.
i think it might help that the current boss is going to try to have monthly half-hour meetings with the individuals on his team. he’s good at giving positive feedback, so it’ll be nice to have those interactions to look forward to.
maybe not oops… but maybe.
my boss returned from a couple of back to back vacations and apologized for leaving me with a couple of burning busses to deal with last week.
unsurprisingly, my stress level is visible and my concerted effort to start saying no more often is having an effect.
it doesn’t feel good to say no, but maybe i’ll get used to it.
gno kicked my o-l-d butt. i couldn’t get a nap in before going out, so i was on ike’s already. but it was super to see all my old raver friends, and to dance for a while.
aunt flo had paid her visit late friday night so by the time i woke up on saturday (after another 5-hour sleep) i was running at about 30% effectiveness.
instead of walking the dogs and laying back down, i went to mickey’s for cribbage brunch and a surprise friend showed up so i stayed longer than intended. i got home around 1230 and laid down and missed a costco run with mom :( she said she had one of the last carts available so it sounded like a blessing in disguise for me that i missed it, but i still feel badly.
i got up around 4 and did my journal spread for next week, read my new cooks illustrated, and played fallout for the evening.
i skipped yoga yesterday for the first time in two weeks, but convinced myself to do it this morning.
today’s lesson is “make each moment count.” and the quote that stood out to me is this one:
The very centered and present Buddha taught us that all suffering is caused by wanting to be closer to or farther away from where you are right now.
matt would always tell me never wish time away when i would say “i can’t wait for the weekend.” i guess that’s about the same.
being in the present is hard for my brain which is very focused on time and numbers and little milestones that need to happen each day.
but, i’m trying.
a million years ago, i used to gather gals together for girls’ night out plus aaron plus matt. eventually, spoil ended and the inferno closed and got torn down. a metaphor perhaps?
well, my long time raver buddy brett is throwing down old school tonight at connections on e. wash, and i’m excited to be able to be part of it.
some of the girls are coming out, too. it should be packed with some of my long-time friends from parties of yore. i’m sure discussion of furthur will come up. i didn’t hop on the bus when tickets went on sale last sunday. i’m not sure if i want to go this year. without someone to watch the dogs at home, it adds complexity. and i kinda want to remember last year as a great time that it was.
oh, right, i forgot why this post was important. i’m going to need to find time to nap before going out, especially since i woke up at 5am.