another year

matt and i made plans to get brunch and go to the bank cuz we both had full piggies. i got to daisy and they were closed due to heating issues, so we ended up at mint mark. it was a good-sized breakfast sandwich, but i’m not sure they were worth $8 each.

we did the bank and i had some st vinny’s stuff to drop off, and we parted ways.

i had planned on hanging at mickey’s for a short while and taking a nap before dinner, but on my way to the pub, i ran into jay, who was on his way to o’keefe and said he would be able to play cribbage at three. so i hung out and drank really slowly in order to lose two games (my cribbage streak over the last week has been pretty abysmal). after jay left, i hung out with russell for a little while.

around 6:30, i went home to feed and walk the dogs and then tried on a dress that i thought i would wear to dinner, but it didn’t feel very flattering or comfortable, so i just wore my regular clothes.

i got a cab downtown to get dinner at graft. it ended up not being depressing, but the food wasn’t as super as i remember; it was pretty salty. the bartender and a patron started talking about the situation at gib’s and i eavesdropped my way into the conversation cuz i am nosey.

i decided to take my time walking back to mickey’s since the music wasn’t scheduled to begin until 10, so i stopped at mother fool’s for a latte around 9:15 and i gave my leftover chicken to a guy that i know doesn’t have a whole lot of money.

i stopped in to see brian at cap city to talk about a half sleeve for my left arm. i’ve been feeling a little lop-sided and wanting to disguise the tribal on that arm. he was closing up and asked me to stop in on friday.

i got to mickey’s and tony bought me a drink and gave me his seat, the music was loud and this guy came up and sat down next to me and said, “becky gibson?” (i assume he spells it that way in his head) and i was like, “yes who the heck are you?” and he reminded me that he was a kid that hung out on state street a million years ago and always remembered how nice i was. we chatted for a while and he took me to his car to see his silly pit bull, hiro. we walked the dog around a bit and then headed back to the bar. i spent most of the time outside cuz everyone smokes. :/

i lost my refound friend and figured i didn’t want to wait around for a cab, so i walked home at 2am.

i didn’t sleep a whole lot and woke up at 9 friday morning, walked the dogs, tried to get matt to grab breakfast at daisy this time, but he declined. i went by myself and could barely eat. i came home to nap before my haircut and wasn’t feeling too hot when i woke up.

after the haircut, i went to check out the mickey’s patio opening party. friends with dogs were outside, soaking up the sun, so it was nice to see them. i sat inside and just really wasn’t feeling it, so i left before the outside people got too cold and came in. i got home, still feeling pretty crappy, and celebrated 4/20 and went to bed.

today (saturday), i have to start getting back into normal with chores and errands. but first, brunch at sardine with mom and george. it will be nice to see them as it’s been since easter.

my legs are really sore today from all the walking.

so tired

i was out late (for me) last night. the ohio has a cribbage thing on sundays, so i decided to go down since i had gotten a nap in, and the dogs were well-walked.

i think i got home around 11, maybe got into bed at midnight, and woke up with a start at 7 after not-very-sound-sleep. after getting merle to the vet, i took jones on a longer walk than would have been successful with both of them. when we got home, i was just too on edge. everything i thought was anxiety-filled or made me feel helpless or sad.

i tried to eat a chicken burrito bowl (it seems like it would be good) that i got at costco, but my mouth didn’t want to cooperate. i tried playing fallout (which is my go-to stress reducer) but i couldn’t focus. so, i checked in at work. just for an hour. i felt better almost immediately after getting some tasks from a project manager on a site that was supposed to launch today (but didn’t). not that i’m going to change plans, but i think taking the whole week off might have been a little zealous, considering that i need human interaction in specific intervals in order to balance out all the alone time i’ve been given.

matt ended up being able to come over and we talked a bit. well, i listened mostly and he talked. i prefer it that way; i’m a good listener.

we ordered crostini and hung out for a couple hours. it was nice. i’m thankful that we’re able to keep on at least this way. if i had to stop all communication, i don’t even want to think about how i would be.

but, right now, i’m exhausted and hollow. worry is heavy and tiring.

a quick update

two things i realized today: trust is paramount. i distinctly remember when matt hid that he was smoking from me after he’d gone to vegas for kate’s wedding and come back. and when he hid those fucking vuse e-cigs, and when he was drinking to excess, and when he hid that he started up smoking again after we put nora down.

the first of those instances hurt the worst. and i didn’t do it consciously, but i know that’s when i started to stop being close.

the second thing is that i feel like i can do more things now. go out to music stuff that i know he wouldn’t like but tolerate. i didn’t not go out because he wouldn’t like coming with, but because our active time (errands, hanging, etc.) together was so short that i didn’t want to screw up the schedule by staying out late on a friday night and not having the energy to get done what we needed to get done.

now, i’m on my own schedule (aside from the dogs) and can adjust accordingly. it feels a little freeing. i guess.

a cover up

it all started with wanting to cover up a little tattoo that i got in the le chateau coop from tattoo bill after i found him sitting in the pub and begged him to tattoo me. he begrudged since he’d had a couple drinks, but i convinced him to anyway.

i wore that little guy until his previously purple hair turned green (what was in that ink?) and he got ever so taller as time and gravity had their way with my poor choice of placement (and subject matter, let’s be honest).

so i messaged claire at spike-o-matic and said i’d been itching for a chest piece and had a little coverup involved. i gave her my subject matter, “oriole. oranges. poppies. bees.”

a month or so later, i went in and got to see the drawing she’d done.

it doesn’t look that big on paper, does it? it is.

we waited a month to heal and then she did the shading. thankfully it was the monday of birthday week and i could take care of it like it should be taken care of.

the shading turned out great!

a month later (last friday), i went in for the color. so much color. i was in the chair for four hours. i didn’t want to stop because that would mean i’d have to come back and do it some more!

so, we both powered through and the result is fantastic.

it’s a little better in person. so, if you’re lucky enough to see me wearing a v-neck shirt, you can take a peek.

gosh darnit

what does one do when another one doesn’t?

it’s been three years since my last confession. i haven’t cleaned the toilet or kitchen enough. unfortunately, neither has my partner. this has become a point of contention.

the end.