two things i realized today: trust is paramount. i distinctly remember when matt hid that he was smoking from me after he’d gone to vegas for kate’s wedding and come back. and when he hid those fucking vuse e-cigs, and when he was drinking to excess, and when he hid that he started up smoking again after we put nora down.
the first of those instances hurt the worst. and i didn’t do it consciously, but i know that’s when i started to stop being close.
the second thing is that i feel like i can do more things now. go out to music stuff that i know he wouldn’t like but tolerate. i didn’t not go out because he wouldn’t like coming with, but because our active time (errands, hanging, etc.) together was so short that i didn’t want to screw up the schedule by staying out late on a friday night and not having the energy to get done what we needed to get done.
now, i’m on my own schedule (aside from the dogs) and can adjust accordingly. it feels a little freeing. i guess.