i did it!

this is not exactly oscar-worthy, but i managed to get on a madison metro bus, tell the driver i was a first-timer, and get off before the bus went farther than i wanted it to.

it was kinda weird being not in charge of getting somewhere. i didn’t mind zoning out on the ride until i realized that i needed to figure out how to get off the bus. i know you can pull the cord thing, but i (wait for it) didn’t want to annoy the bus driver with my request to stop if he was already stopping to let someone on.

i got off two stops before the app suggested, but it was nice to walk down one of the capitol blocks and get some air before sitting in the library for 2+ hours.

tonight was the second wordpress meetup of 2018 and it went really well. the topic brought out a lot of new faces and many of the same folks who’ve been around for a while. also! the organizer of the meetup group that i offered to take over last year was there and said, “go for it.” so, i have to see if i can get someone at automattic to approve the member merge. we’re nearing 300, and i don’t know what the overlap is, but it could double the size of the group *scared face*.

hectic week

and it’s only wednesday afternoon.

monday was the vet, tuesday was my pantry board meeting, tonight is the wordpress meetup. matt can’t get to the house to let the dogs out this afternoon, so i either have to bike home and then back to work (essentially) or take the bus downtown and back (or hope that someone will be nice and offer a ride).

i’ve been hanging out at wilson’s a more lately. it was my safe space when i split up with kurt and didn’t want to see him at mickey’s, so i’m using it for that again. it’s been nice to catch up with justin and brian, and their drinks are cheaper than both mickey’s and the ohio.

merle’s hindquarters are looking a lot better today. i skipped the topical medicine this morning cuz that encourages her to clean it but will put some on tonight after the antibiotic and pain medications are administered.

i haven’t filled up the rest of the week with distraction very well, but might be making a costco run with a friend on saturday. apparently, there are some rice crackers that are to die for.


my choices for the vet yesterday were 11a or 2p. since i have a standing 10-11 work meeting, i had to choose 2. this meant i worked from home again, which meant i also needed to consider my mental health for the evening because being in the house all day and night makes jill a dull girl.

so, $180 later, we got home with oral pain meds, oral antibiotics, and a topical cleaning cream. we also get to go back for a checkup on saturday (along with jones’ annual once-over), which will probably be another $200. i might need to start a secondary interest-bearing checking account to save up for our annual visits along with any other issues that they’ll get themselves into.

she’s looking better but i don’t want to put the cone on her because it makes her look sad and miserable. so, hopefully i don’t find that she’s been licking it all day when i get home.

pretty okay, for the most part

on thursday, i hung out with my old boss and now friend, russell. he’s also recently going through a breakup. so we got to commiserate a little and that was nice.

i worked from home on friday because i had a meeting on the east side of town at 1, so it didn’t seem worth it to interrupt the workday with two bike rides. my cabin fever was a little high by 5 and i needed to get out. i didn’t want to go to mickey’s, since friday happy hours can sometimes be annoying, plus they had a pop-up event that would draw even more people than normal. i ended up at wilson’s even though i thought friday night fish fry during lent would have meant they were going to be packed, but they weren’t. i got to see mack and justin; justin even came around the bar to give me a hug! i hung out for a short while but then needed to get home to feed the dogs.

saturday morning, i biked downtown to meet P&M for brunch at the tipsy cow. unfortunately, the really nice but too-young-for-me bartender wasn’t working. we had a nice visit anyhow. i came home and played fallout for a short while and then cabbed out to the wisco to meet colin and kevin. i was about a half hour early so i sat in the back near the dart boards and two construction worker guys gravitated over my way. we had a good laugh about nothing in particular; it was obvious they’d been there for longer than they should have been.

colin and kevin showed up and then russell was a surprise visit that i didn’t tell them about. we had a nice chat and i was glad to see colin again; it had been since i got laid off (nearly four years ago).

i stayed for a bit after they all dispersed, mostly to avoid coming home to an empty house. i was glad that i cabbed because it was about 33° and rainy, but i don’t care for the added expense. i guess one pays for convenience.

sunday i woke up around 2 am and couldn’t fall back to sleep until maybe 7 but then got up at 8 anyway. i biked down to mickey’s for brunch and socializing and then came home, went to woodman’s, cleaned up the house a bit, and started in on some more fallout.

matt and i had made plans for him to come over to play magic and get food, so that was still on. he messaged me that he would be over shortly before 4. we cuddled a little on the couch and then played magic like nothing was different.

over the weekend, merle had developed an impacted anal gland and wasn’t having any of it, so i called my vet tech friend who suggested a warm compress. i added epsom salt to the warm water and, took a break from cards to work on this task. it didn’t take long before it opened up and, while it was pretty gross, she immediately calmed down about it.

we finished up the game and the food showed up. we ate while watching a funny show on amazon:  catastrophe (it’s really good. if you have amazon prime, watch it).

as soon as we were done eating, he got up and left.

and i stood in the living room and bawled.

eight years

nearly eight years ago, i took matt with me to heartland credit union. i had a dormant checking account that i needed to get kurt’s name off of. unfortunately, that meant closing the account with a pretty short account number (bye hood cred!) and opening a new one. at the same time, i transferred debt from a chase credit card to a new card there, hoping to buy some time without interest. unfortunately, i also needed to use that credit to give kurt the agreed-upon dollar amount, buy an ipad, and get two huge tattoos on my ribs.

i just paid that card off today.

too nice for my own good

i don’t know how or when or why it happened, but in this whole mess of a situation, i’ve realized that there’s something about me that makes me feel like i’m an imposition on people. i find myself frequently apologizing for existing, being overly cautious about imposing on people’s time, even asking if it’s okay if i interrupt someone with whom i’m hanging out in order to go to the bathroom. wtf.

also, teacher friend called me last night to assure me that he made it home safely and i asserted that he should not forget to eat dinner. he said, “thanks, mom.” and i said, “please don’t be another person to call me that.” and he said, “you get that a lot, huh?”

yep. yep, i do.

time really is fleeting

teacher friend had a meeting at an east side school in the afternoon so he suggested we grab a cocktail or two; i hadn’t thought of a place to meet when he asked, so he suggested woody anne’s. i hesitated internally because of how awful i know woody is to women, and i shouldn’t patronize establishments in support of that behavior… but i also knew that meant no one i know would be there and i could avoid having to explain to anyone (who doesn’t already know) why i was hanging out with a man that isn’t matt. even tho, really, it’s no one’s business.

he told me about his week, and i listened because i listen better than i talk, and it really amazes me how little resources we give our teachers to work with. they’re here to shape the future generations of this country, and we barely give them books or supplies or support.

the bar was one stool away from being full when we got there. i realized later that it was happy hour—like, one where people are only there because the drinks are cheap. grandma judy was there, drinking champagne out of a flute. i don’t think she remembered me from a million years ago at wilson’s where she asked me to squeeze her butt because she had been exercising. this is a nearly 90-year-old bartending woman with leopard patterned clothes and hat.

the place cleared out and it was much quieter, but that meant people were more listeney.

i didn’t feel like making food when i got home, even though i’ve been really good at not ordering out. so, i ordered burrito drive but didn’t have the right amount of small bills for a tip, and the driver didn’t have the right amount of change, so he got more of a tip than i would have liked.

i watched some more of the office and ate dinner, knitted a little more on my mitered square blanket, and laid down when tired hit.

it’s weird… i used to look forward to the weekends, but now i’m kind of dreading them. :/

another weekend

my mom and i went to costco on saturday. i needed to get some snacks in preparation for having folks over on sunday and we went to daisy to eat afterward. i didn’t realize til we were eating that it was possible matt would come in with someone else and i wouldn’t know what to do. it made my anxiety rise… i’m really good at worrying about shit that isn’t going to happen.

i still had to go to woodman’s for my weekly shop, so by the time i got home and ready to start cleaning, it was already 3 and i didn’t want to do any of it.

but i cleaned off the stovetop and moved some stuff around and made sure the toilet wasn’t gross. by 5 i was done and didn’t want to be in the house anymore but it was cold and wet, so i asked josh if he was going around and would he grab me up to go to mickey’s? so he did. i stayed there for a while. it was nice to be back, actually. it wasn’t crazy busy and josh is usually a good distraction.

i walked to jeni street to get chicken for dinner and then called a cab cuz it was dark and i didn’t want to walk the path home.

i then proceeded to get kinda angry and called matt to yell at him and demand the keys back so i could throw the rest of the stuff in the house out onto the lawn. like i have time to do that.

i woke up sunday feeling pretty down but knew i had to get my shit together cuz people were coming over at 3. i went to mickey’s to get some food but felt like i had to hurry and leave when matt let me know that he was on his way there to make bloody mix.

having folks over for crafty was nice. cari, judy, and talitha came over and we talked and laughed and talitha asked if i had a good support network and i said yes and then i said no and then i started crying. i mean, i have a perfectly fine support network when i’m around people. and all of my friends have been so great in hanging out or checking in on me and seeing how i’m doing (even matt). but that doesn’t matter when i’m stuck in my own head when i’m by myself. picking apart things that happened so i can try to figure out where everything went wrong and feeling helpless to repair anything.

an old raver friend from a million years ago suggested i “try to erode the ground around the pedestal”, meaning keep reminding myself of the things that annoyed me so i can move on. that feels especially difficult because i really just want things back the way they were.

yesterday (monday) was pretty good at work. i felt like i could accomplish tasks and like i know wtf is going on.

today is pretty much the opposite. i went to bed feeling irritated and sad and woke up feeling pretty low, and now i get to bike in to work in just above freezing weather after it rained all night.

i wish the sun was out.

it’s been a long week

during one of the first sleepless nights, way back in december, i was on facebook trying to distract my brain and i saw an ad for a wall tapestry mandala thingy. so i ordered four. this one made it up on the wall this week; it reminds me of a peacock.

merley wasn’t feeling well yesterday, so i worked from home. i couldn’t get her to calm down unless i stuck her in the carrier. i had to set her down in order to use the bathroom:

i don’t think things are getting better… they’re just different. we still exchange texts, but it’s not the same. the feeling is gone. i think we both have become purposefully emotionally removed in order to get through to whatever the next phase is.

i just started bawling at my desk, so clearly, things are not good.

however, i did meet up with an old friend last night from a million years ago when mickey’s was different. like, before-they-served-food different. he’s a special education (or IEP) teacher with the madison school district and i have always been fascinated by his stories of the kids with which he has to deal. he gets the really … challenging ones. the ones that bite and kick and spit, and he can somehow calm them down in 20 minutes. so i listened in awe and was able to not think about my brain for a little while. i had initially intended on sharing with him the details of my predicament but decided that i’m tired of hearing myself tell the story and didn’t want the evening to be about me being sad.

something strange

a little while ago, i was getting moon explanations from chani nicholas but the videos were too long for me to watch every month, so now i just get her email horoscopes. anyway, in one of the video series, she mentioned that my social calendar would get full in the coming year (i think this was back in october) and i was like, “what? i don’t do anything outside of letting nora out to pee and waiting for matt to get home or wake up. what socializing am i going to be doing?”

fast forward to now and i’m trying to fill every moment with friends so that i don’t get stuck. except, i did proclaim yesterday out loud to no one that i should probably prepare for dying old and alone after a stroke in the bathroom or something. not one of my finest thoughts, but i had it nonetheless.