lost my mojo

i was reviewing the private video from emilie where she featured her totemic tools and rituals of shamanism, and was reminded how very focused she is on playing. having fun. being with nature.
and i thought about how my anchor totem animal is a peacock and how i used to be colorful and bright and loud and funny, and i don’t feel like those things as often anymore. i thought about the words she used in my reading, “When the Peacock appears as your totem, it marks the birth of a new life for you…” and i wonder what that means.
i know it doesn’t mean that something amazing is just going to happen to me to change the things i don’t like about myself, my job, or my past. i think it means that i should and can change my future, and appreciate the things i do like about myself, and enjoy the things i enjoy, and share the things i can.
i need to find a way to do the things i like/love to do more often.
all this is to say that i want to understand more about my totem(s) and shamanism and healing rocks. these seem like healthy places to begin my birth of a new life.


the woman who read my animal totem put out an educational video recently, specifically for the animal spirits she’s identified, and it contained stones with healing properties.
the opal is for clarity of communication, quartz is for clarity of vision and the heart chakra, carnelian helps the speaking voice and is for the sacral chakra, labradorite is for the crown and brow chakra, obsidian and flourite are for things that i didn’t take good notes about, and pyrite is to protect against negative vibration and to see beyond façades.
note to self: rewatch the video.
so, we went to burnie’s rock shop this weekend to look for some stones, and here’s what i ended up with!
unfortunately, this opal caught my eye and i asked to see how much it is… my heart kind sunk a little when the price tag said $215.
i’ll be saving up for it.

death and taxes

they’re the only things you can count on.
thankfully, i have filed my taxes and am getting as hefty of a refund as i expected; thanks to property taxes and primary mortgage insurance!
money and debt have been a stressor for me since… well, since i starting being in debt.
i recall taking out a personal loan in order to build an awesome computer (for school). then, after graduation, student loans started up, and i’m pretty sure i had a credit card by that time. there was the switch from my geo metro (i miss manual transmission sometimes) to a bonafide used car, complete with a car payment! add another credit card and a mortgage and just as soon as that used car was payed off, it was totaled and i had to get another one.
all of this is to say that i enjoy tax time, because i get a chunk of money to save and decrease debt; i don’t seem to be able to do much of that throughout the year.
with my tax return, and hopefully a bonus in march, i should be able to pay off a credit card and my car, affording me the opportunity to upgrade the dsl at home.
secondarily, it always feels really good to get bills out of my inbox after i pay them. i just took care of four monthly payments and feel relieved.
and, it’s friday, so that helps, too.

nice, long weekend

we had monday off this week, it was nice to laze about and sleep in and hang out. matt and i played a bit of magic on sunday evening. i think i need to get more familiar with other deck colors in order to make a stronger one.
burnie is still on the mend. she’s learning how to spit out the pills, here’s matt trying to administer:
yesterday, when i opened the door to her room, she darted out between my legs and went under our bed. i decided that two months in confinement was enough, and she’d just have to heal out in the open with everyone else. she’s been running up and down and all over almost constantly since then.
here’s my wake up call from yesterday morning:
what you can’t see is the other human, dog, and cat that weren’t near my face.

cat update

burnie is doing a lot better. well, the appearance of her leg is… not her attitude, so much. she’s been stuck in the spare bedroom for exactly seven weeks and it’s wearing on her patience. she isn’t really walking on it yet, probably because the pads are sore and her nails need to grow back. she really hates being forced to keep her paw in the antibacterial liquid for more than two minutes.
once she’s all good, we get to train her how to poop in a litter box.


i am frustrated.
i’m trying not to be, but it’s not working.
maybe some photos of kitties and puppies will help.
martin, toonie, fatty tuna (he’s huge!) was being exceptionally cute on the couch last night.
and here’s what was waiting when i went upstairs to bed:


my dream last night consisted of a bunch of friends attempting to go to an outdoor, daytime rave in unfamiliar vehicles.
jen was driving a big, red van and i was sitting in the hatch part. matt and karly were in the regular seats, and i can’t recall right now who was following us. at some point we all decided we should eat and/or get food for later… so we stopped off at an outdoor mall that had an assortment of different restaurants. it felt like the food court at west towne, except it was outside.
we finally got to some sandwich place, and the line kept getting longer and more confusing and no one would help me. someone even got trampled! after getting budged in line enough times (once by liz g.), i turned around and saw glass nickel’s “booth” with no line whatsoever.
i sighed with relief and walked over and said “whatever is vegetarian!” and he said “we have spinach cheese bread.” and then asked me if i wanted the works. i had no idea what that was since i only ever order delivery from them, he said it came with scrambled eggs and onions. i said that sounded terrible and either he wouldn’t serve me or i left.
i finally got to subway’s booth and ordered two kid’s-sized veggie delights (those come on a round bun). when i got done, i found the group and saw matt’s sandwich sitting on a picnic table and i smashed it and yelled at everyone for ignoring me and not letting me order with everyone else. i think it ended with me yelling at judy to leave me the eff alone.
then i woke up.


things keep happening.
burnie broke her elbow, car needed new battery, water bill is higher than expected, burnie has open sores from the splint, thermo couple died on the water heater, and now my car is sitting in my work parking lot, not starting.
all of these things are putting quite a dent in my pocket book.
hopefully my tax return will be what i expect, and will come quickly (as soon as i file).
i think i need to make a concerted effort in the ordering-out department (do i say this often enough?); i’ve started re-reading a cookbook that has good advice about recycling leftovers from one meal into a brand new dinner the following evening.
i think i’d be more likely to cook dinner if matt and i had the same food likes.

home ownership

i guess i’ve had it pretty easy, or maybe i’ve just been taking it easy, with needing to do repairs around the house. the biggest issue i’d/we’d had up to this weekend was the garbage disposal getting stuck.
well, on friday, the hot water wasn’t hot; the pilot light wasn’t lit; the pilot light wouldn’t stay lit… frantic text messages went out to the people that i call when things go unexpectedly. one suggested a plumber (i’m not sure why, since we were dealing with gas and fire), and another said “replace the thermo couple. medium difficulty, low cost.” it was kind of like an evaluation of a task in the sims or something… so, after a leisurely saturday morning, and a harried bike commute to brunch and ace hardware, we returned home, armed with a coiled up piece of copper.
after the gas was turned off, matt removed the front plate and pulled out all of the bits and we examined our situation.
the old couple had this weird disc attached (an overtemp sensor)… this doesn’t exist on the new one.
at this point, we took a break. do i call a plumber? do i call the repair number on the sticker? do i wait til monday?
it became broken in the process of removal, so we discarded it all together, probably making the heater as safe as the ones that were manufactured in the ’90s.
the next challenge was squeezing the couple through this orange plug in order to get it installed next to the pilot and gas outlet.
after quite a few tries, matt was able to coerce it through and we got it installed, only smelling gas after the first try. we re-seated the burner and matt was able to screw it in further. he followed the instructions for relighting, and everything went well! the tank was reheated in about a half hour.
fingers crossed everything stays working until i can get the flashing around the chimney fixed.

every january

i lament having to sit/stand at a desk and stare at a computer for most of my waking day. sometimes, i wonder where i went wrong, passively deciding my future. i blame past me for not thinking ahead very well.
matt has been going a little overboard with magic card purchases, so i had to indulge him a couple of times over my holiday. i don’t know who writes the descriptions of these things, but sometimes the grammar makes it unclear. so i had to get the advice of a friend on this one.
more of nero hanging out:
and one more of nora after i asked her something of great import:
so, after i win the lottery (that i don’t participate in), i’ll pay off all my debt and do whatever i want for pleasure and money.