ugh

by now, since i’ve been so quiet, i’m sure i have no readers anymore so i’m not going to be embarrassed to start this up again because i’m going to need to keep track of what’s going on and writing in my bullet journal isn’t fast enough to keep up with my brain.

this has been an awful time in the house. we had to put nora down at the beginning of december.

and three days ago, my best friend of over 8 years told me that he’s breaking up with me. and moving out this month. and leaving me. and i’m devastated.

since hearing this shocking, unexpected, and terrible news on saturday morning (the 28th) around 1 am, i’ve slept probably a total of eight to nine hours and eaten a total of a half cup of food. i have absolutely no appetite and i can’t stop my brain from thinking of all the things i should have done differently or all the things he does for me that he won’t be there to do. what i’m going to feel when the bed is empty and he’ll never be in it again. how i’m going to respond to the first person in public who asks how he is or we are doing.

i’ve been off of work since the friday before christmas and am looking forward to getting back to that routine, but i have no idea what life outside of work will become when i’m alone. single.

single for the first time since i was 21 (i had previously noted to a friend that the age was 15, but remembered a small break between ryan and kurt where i lived by myself for a year and was finishing up college–i was seeing a guy in chicago then and started seeing kurt while in that apartment, too, so i guess i wasn’t really single for that long).

the best i can do right now is make sure i keep my friends close. i have told a handful of people both at work and our mutual friends and am dreading changing my relationship status on facebook. how fucking dumb is that? i hate facebook.

i’m looking forward to getting back to work where there is a routine and the unpredictability of clients and dealing with their problems is easy(ish) for me to handle. then i’m going to have to figure out how to be by myself. i mean, i’ve spent the last 20 years with people who have opposite shifts than me and have had my share of alone time. but there was always a break to look forward to. a weekend of projects or errands or video games.

now it’s going to be just me.

i told erin, my office wife, that matt and i have been “floating along dysfunctionally just fine” and that’s why i was surprised at the news. i guess that phrase is indicative of the problem. matt’s not happy being a newly sober night person in a house where the only other human is asleep by 10 (at the latest).

i forgot to add that it’s becoming obvious that i need to work on self-love. i don’t know if my relationship(s) would be considered co-dependent, but it’s clear that i a) need affirmation and reassurance from my partner that i’m worthy, and b) don’t believe them anyway so they end up stopping telling me those things all together.

this road is going to be scary and different and terrible. i hope there is something good on the other end.

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