uff duh

gno kicked my o-l-d butt. i couldn’t get a nap in before going out, so i was on ike’s already. but it was super to see all my old raver friends, and to dance for a while.

aunt flo had paid her visit late friday night so by the time i woke up on saturday (after another 5-hour sleep) i was running at about 30% effectiveness.

instead of walking the dogs and laying back down, i went to mickey’s for cribbage brunch and a surprise friend showed up so i stayed longer than intended. i got home around 1230 and laid down and missed a costco run with mom :(  she said she had one of the last carts available so it sounded like a blessing in disguise for me that i missed it, but i still feel badly.

i got up around 4 and did my journal spread for next week, read my new cooks illustrated, and played fallout for the evening.

i skipped yoga yesterday for the first time in two weeks, but convinced myself to do it this morning.

today’s lesson is “make each moment count.” and the quote that stood out to me is this one:

The very centered and present Buddha taught us that all suffering is caused by wanting to be closer to or farther away from where you are right now.

matt would always tell me never wish time away when i would say “i can’t wait for the weekend.” i guess that’s about the same.

being in the present is hard for my brain which is very focused on time and numbers and little milestones that need to happen each day.

but, i’m trying.


a million years ago, i used to gather gals together for girls’ night out plus aaron plus matt. eventually, spoil ended and the inferno closed and got torn down. a metaphor perhaps?

well, my long time raver buddy brett is throwing down old school tonight at connections on e. wash, and i’m excited to be able to be part of it.

some of the girls are coming out, too. it should be packed with some of my long-time friends from parties of yore. i’m sure discussion of furthur will come up. i didn’t hop on the bus when tickets went on sale last sunday. i’m not sure if i want to go this year. without someone to watch the dogs at home, it adds complexity. and i kinda want to remember last year as a great time that it was.

oh, right, i forgot why this post was important. i’m going to need to find time to nap before going out, especially since i woke up at 5am.

i just realized

folks would check in with me regularly to see how i was doing… but that’s mostly dropped off. my old pal john b messaged me last week to see how i was and i nearly lost it cuz i realized hadn’t heard from anyone in a while checking in on me.

the only person that still asks how i’m doing is matt.

something is working

i just looked in a mirror (which i typically don’t do), smiles, and said, “okay, you’re kinda cute.”

baby steps.

dreary day

this is my least favorite biking weather; 32° and rain. it also means that i won’t want to leave the house when i’m done working this evening. which is fine, i guess; i’m getting used to the routine.

i typically get home around 3:30, jones begs for a walk until about 4, then we go for a walk, i work until about 5:30 and then feed the dogs and clean up the dishes from last night’s dinner. i knit for a while on the couch until 6:30 and then start dinner. i knit and watch the office while dinner is cooking. then i eat, knit some more, and go to bed when i get tired.


chatty today

i guess being chatty is better than the alternative.

i have slowly been chipping away at long-held debt and, last month paid off a credit card on which i’d been carrying a balance since before my divorce, but most of the debt was incurred from the amount i agreed to pay kurt for the house equity. thankfully, the house hadn’t appreciated more than 6k, so he got 3.

anyhoo, that’s not the exciting news of today. the news of today is that i just paid off my student loans!

i graduated in the summer of 2001 and finally paid off the loans that got me through college, bought millions of art supplies (some of which i still own), many sushi dinners at tonton (i know, this was not necessarily a good use of the money, but come on, i was a kid). finally, paid off.

now i can focus on the relatively large (to me) balance on the amazon card and i think i can be down to one debt (the mortgage) by the end of 2018; barring any unforeseen situations that i hope don’t happen.

circumstance or happenstance?

each of my daily yoga lessons contains a new idea for transformation. this morning’s lesson focused on exercising the ability to say no when necessary. there were two passages that stood out to me.

this one, as it relates to my having to say no to my friend:

Saying no mindfully and compassionately is another huge leap towards a happier life for you, and leading the people you love by positive example.

and this one, as it relates to my relationship with matt:

When an energy exchange is not a win-win for both parties, you can be sure that, over time, you will both lose. No one who truly loves you will ask more of you than you can give, and giving more than you have usually means someone in the equation is not doing their own work. Enabling someone usually does nothing more than keep them from their own path, and the growth that comes from living into the lessons that only they can learn.

unfortunately, i don’t think we did a good job at a reasonable and equal exchange of energy, at least in the last couple of years. it’s sad because i think we could have made it work if we were both more open to our needs. having a conversation once or twice about what isn’t working is not how one affects change. i don’t think it’s unreasonable to check in daily or weekly about what’s going well and what could be improved. (some) people do this at their workplaces, and those relationships aren’t nearly as sacred or important.

at least i know this and can take it forward.

also, interestingly, chani’s post today that mars conjuncts saturn at 8° of capricorn reminds me:

We can’t care about everything, even if we wanted to be able to. We have to make choices. We have to be discerning. We have to direct our energy towards some things and away from others if we are to get anything done.

it’s a good thing i’m skilled at being selfish.

crazy weekend for an introvert

actually, i guess it wasn’t that crazy. it was just full. i went out to my aunt’s for sunday lunch and, when i heard from joe that he was back from rockford, i came home so he could stop by. jones recognized him and showed off arty (the aardvark) and then laid on the couch. joe’s not one for sticking around long, so he let me know he had plans to meet peanut and kurt at mickey’s. knowing jay might want to see everyone, i invited him down, too.

previously, at lunch, one aunt had asked me if i had any favorite authors or had been reading anything, and i admitted that my reading was mostly technical and not too much in the recreational department. so, in a funny turn of events, flannery o’connor came up (an acquaintance is opening a bar downtown, which he’s naming “flannery’s”) and i just went to look at the options on amazon. the cover art is a peacock, so of course, i’m going to buy a hard copy.

i like short story fiction (roald dahl, shirley jackson, stephen king), so it should fit in with my library.

to follow up on the friend looking for a room… i had to say no. i’m struggling with that decision because he’s sleeping in his unheated storage unit. but i know that i need to focus on me and a routine that isn’t based on someone else’s schedule and the dogs don’t need yet another stressful disruption.

even though it would be advantageous to have him here for rent and to fix up stuff around the house. but, he’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t take a renegotiation, even if i insisted.

full moon in pisces

it was a full moon this morning, around 7:36 this morning. surprisingly, the dogs and i all slept in. jones even came into the bed for a short while.

today’s new moon is supposed to bring a money situation, which motivated me to send an email with an estimate for the wilson’s website. i also just got an unnerving text from a friend asking if i have a room to rent for a month or two…

my friend joe is in town from cali, so i’m hoping to see him at some point during his visit. i want him to see jones before jones gets, well, you know.

i can’t believe it’s been three months since matt told me he was leaving me. i’m glad we at least got to spend midnight on new year’s together.

public meeting

i attended my first public meeting last night at olbrich. according to the presenters, it was the largest meeting they have had there and they had to get out about twice as many chairs. i saw quite a few familiar faces, so that was nice.

it was to discuss what’s going to happen with the area that you see directly across from the creek in this picture of my backyard:

it’s unofficially referred to as the “garver north platt”, and apparently, this development had already been decided upon by the board of parks commission in 2009 and the city is now getting around to doing something with it. the city has a pretty nice plan to keep and preserve the nature that’s there while cleaning up the contamination from operating the feed mill. unfortunately, there is a loud and vocal contingent that wants a 2-acre dog park included in the plan.

i say unfortunately for three reasons. one, there will be no additional parking (this part is fine by me because cars suck) which means people who don’t walk to the park will have to find parking on fair oaks or dawes (don’t get me started on the bridge they want to build connecting dawes to the garver yard). two, the draw of people to the area is going to adversely affect the wildlife and nature that live over there, and to add the popularity of a dog park which will bring more humans and perceived predators into the area won’t have a positive effect on the wildlife. three, the ground is contaminated.

and i don’t really care about the micro-lodges that will be available for short-term stays that will abut the feed mill building, but they’ll have a dog park out their back window to see, hear, and smell.

i think it’s probably inevitable, however. we dog owners can be pretty vocal about dog owner rights and i don’t have the energy to go up against the gal who’s been trying to make this happen for over 10 years.