adulting is overrated

only somewhat regretfully, i didn’t get around to vacuuming this weekend, but i did take care of some brush and burdock in the yard with a fire.

the rest of the day was spent among friends, in the sun, or at a pub playing cribbage. i’d say it went well.

while i was making the fire, though, i wondered if i should host a memorial day weekend party myself. i do like making all the food and having friends over, but i would then also need to be the entertaining hostess and for sure wouldn’t be able to stay in the kitchen all afternoon.

i guess i have a week or so to make that decision.

full up day

i filled yesterday day with being out and about, so i might need to adult today, but we’ll see.

post-brunch at the tipsy cow, i took a stroll around the square at the farmer’s market; it wistfully reminded me of one of the first weekends i started staying at matt’s while kurt was collecting his things and moving out. there weren’t so many people because it was barely above 40° but really nice in the sun. as i rounded the last block, a guy at a stand pointed at me and said, “you like orange.” points for astute observation, bub.

after a short trip to the grocery store, i was torn between starting a fire to clean up the brush in the yard and going back out into the world. my desire to be among humans won and i found myself at wilson’s doing crossword puzzles in the din.

i went back home to make tiny tacos as my friend john tried to convince me to go to karaoke at the ohio, but i was already turning into a pumpkin by then.

a relaxing start

yesterday, it started raining at the exact moment that i wanted to head out so that i could be among humans with whom i don’t work. since i didn’t want to suit up in rain gear or sit at the pub in wet jeans, i opted to stay home. it was a good choice as the batch of pumpkin ball treats were very nearly depleted (i only had enough left for one walk), so i turned on the oven and started mixing up ingredients.

then the sun came out.

i briefly considered throwing the dough in the fridge and making a break for it, but i had already told the dogs we were staying in for the night. and, unlike some people, i’m a man of my word.

one batch of the biscuit dough does three cookie trays’ worth, so that took over an hour for the baking time. after that was all done, it was time for hair dying.

i alternate between special effects napalm orange and overtone’s deep orange color while the bleached part grows out and then bleach roughly every six months. my last bleach was the first week of november; i remember this because i had to wait until after halloween so people wouldn’t think it was part of a costume.

i don’t really love the stark contrast when i bleach/dye, i think it looks a lot better when the roots start nearing 1/2″, but, without paying someone else way too much to get that result, i have to go this route.

last bleach time, i used a yellow manic panic to mix up the hues and i think it turned out well, so i did it again.

the lighting in the house at night is a little warm, but you get the idea.

typically, i’ve been meeting josh for cribbage brunch on the weekends, but i decided last night that i didn’t want to make an appointment for 9 am, so i actually slept in (til 8) and took the dogs on a nice walk, worked on my bujo spread for next week, and decided that i ought to meet peyton and maureen for lunch. so i’m headed downtown to the tipsy cow soon; hopefully, the farmer’s market crowd doesn’t overtake the restaurant.

maybe i’ll pop into mickey’s on my way back home, just to put in an appearance.

rollycoaster

i haven’t been on an actual rollercoaster in a while. maybe i should take a road trip to the dells. hah!

actually, i refer to the emotional rollercoaster that i’ve been on this week. i wrote in my journal this morning, “today feels okay, but it’s only 9:45”.

i’m glad it’s friday, though, and i have a lot to do around the house this weekend. i haven’t been drinking kombucha daily (or even monthly), so my five gallons are probably quite sour and in need of fruiting or disposing of. one of the batches has turned red, which i don’t think puts it in contention for saving. i also need to make some more pumpkin balls for the dogs, and vacuum. i also have to clean up the soft goods room as merle decided yesterday that she was going to poop in there. so, that’s fun.

i hope to get everything taken care of tomorrow so i can spend sunday playing cribbage, relaxing, and being with friends.

 

epiphany?

i ended up asking my facebook friends how they make time for self-care and got a lot of good responses, including one that i read at 3:30 this morning from my yogi friend, Jim:

Sit and reach to the sky. Breathe nice and deeply as you do it. Don’t force. Massage your hands, Your feet. Relax your tongue and jaw when you think to. Don’t think, but just reach, massage, breathe and be with what you’re doing as you do it. Don’t feel badly about yourself. There’s plenty to love and appreciate about yourself. Your life. Your situation. See what’s good and positive in your life. Your surroundings. It’s all in there for you to feel and be with, darlin’. Just practice. That’s the key. Just do it. Practice. I smile at you while I write this. Smile at me as you read this. That’s part of the practice.

so, i started crying (an activity in which i’ve been participating an awful lot lately). merle woke up to lick off my tears and, as i cried harder because who lays in bed in the middle of the night sobbing? i realized something.

i’ve been numb. i don’t know (or care to analyze—right now anyway) when it started, but i had been going through life for so long, relatively emotionless, focusing on the next time nora would need to go out, the next meal to plan with matt, errands squeezed into a saturday, bike to work, work, bike home (biking and working are actually two things that i enjoy doing), clean up, go to bed.

i distinctly recall noticing, in the last year or so, that i never really got very mad or sad or happy or joyful. i’ve been like a sine wave that wasn’t oscillating.

so, i think all of these emotions i keep feeling are a result of the change of pace, responsibility, surroundings, situations. so, maybe it’s okay to cry in bed at 4 am.

the friend i made at furthur last year noted the following, and i think it’s going to be important for me to remember:

I let the other stuff go for awhile and tell myself it’s ok to just “be” right now because this transition is hard. and i don’t evaluate my feelings- i just let em exist.

one day at a time and all that

i was going to post this on facebook, but not sure that i need anyone’s opinion or response just yet. i need to think and articulate better.

finding time for self-care this week has been tough after coming back to work from having birthday week off. every little daily, routine, mundane task adds up to a lot of time, leaving not much for me, myself, and i (and maybe a friend if anyone would accept my invitations for a public outing).

today has been especially difficult as i stayed home to focus on a very stressful project and the dogs were unsurprisingly needy, so i had to shut the office door. and was smacked in the face with another reminder of matt.

his robe and winter coat that he wore when we met/started becoming friends/started dating. it was just another fucking painful reminder of something that i don’t have anymore, which is a confidant.

i can tell he’s growing further away from me. less interested in my day to day, fewer “how are you?”s, colder responses to my detailed description of my crappy day(s).

and he reads this blog in silence without engaging in any retort. i don’t know why he even bothers to do that.

solitary socialization

yesterday was kind of a tough one at work, for reasons i don’t need to get into here, but it resulted in me needing to take a load off afterward. i’m not yet comfortable being at mickey’s (or the ohio) while matt is working. it wasn’t very fulfilling or relaxing for me when we were together, so i guess it’s not a surprise that hasn’t changed.

so, i planned on heading to the ohio. i invited a couple friends who either didn’t get back to me or couldn’t make it. to be honest, i’m getting kind of tired of being rejected for these simple interactions. i’m trying to get out in public so i don’t wither away in my house and am trying to make those outings more tolerable by adding in people whose company i enjoy.

case in point, i brought my five-plus half-finished crosswords with me with the intent on relaxing away from a screen and this obnoxious ass sat down next to me; i remembered him from way back at mickey’s and he’s only gotten more annoying in the past 20 years. after finding out the cook’s name is prince, he wouldn’t stfu about the musician and some vault of songs the estate is releasing. he wouldn’t. stop. talking. i was so relieved when his tacos arrived because he actually shut up for about 10 minutes.

then he did that thing that i hate; “stuck on anything?” “no, thank you.” “that’s okay, i don’t know how to do those puzzles anyway.”

THEN WHY DID YOU ASK.

i think i mindfullnessed into my happy place until he left.

then something awesome happened. i mean awesome in the way that it inspired awe and i’m still thinking about it. a loud french woman had taken over the conversation of two other men, individually, while i was sitting there being quiet. after she had scared them away/they left, she sidled over to the seat next to me and told me to be nice and be social. and that she wanted to help with the puzzle but only if there were any french clues. then she told me she was going to go have a cigarette and if i didn’t socialize with her when she got back she would kick my ass.

talk about instilling the desire to retreat further back into my leave-me-alone state.

i left before she came back and checked in with josh later; she never did.

the only thing that made the evening out worthwhile was that i got some more done on my puzzles that i wouldn’t have if i had stayed home.

blue

i’ve been feeling exceptionally lonely lately. and feeling a little angry that i isolated myself to matt. and that he’s the only one who knows me completely. and it feels tiring to think that i have to go through all that again with someone new.

i really miss his hugs every day.

out with a bang

i had brunch with mom and george and then stopped at mickey’s for cribbage with josh.

that turned into a marathon session and i got home much later than intended, i cuddled up with merle and jones and watched supernatural until i felt tired and then went to bed.

since i had skipped groceries on saturday, i got up and went to the store right away on sunday morning. after that, i hopped down to mickey’s for brunch and the weather turned so nice that i ended up sitting outside for longer than intended and came home to order burrito drive, just to remind myself that there’s a very good reason for my discontinuing ordering out.

and now i’m back to work, with 161 unread emails. and apparently, people not reading my out of office message.

another year

matt and i made plans to get brunch and go to the bank cuz we both had full piggies. i got to daisy and they were closed due to heating issues, so we ended up at mint mark. it was a good-sized breakfast sandwich, but i’m not sure they were worth $8 each.

we did the bank and i had some st vinny’s stuff to drop off, and we parted ways.

i had planned on hanging at mickey’s for a short while and taking a nap before dinner, but on my way to the pub, i ran into jay, who was on his way to o’keefe and said he would be able to play cribbage at three. so i hung out and drank really slowly in order to lose two games (my cribbage streak over the last week has been pretty abysmal). after jay left, i hung out with russell for a little while.

around 6:30, i went home to feed and walk the dogs and then tried on a dress that i thought i would wear to dinner, but it didn’t feel very flattering or comfortable, so i just wore my regular clothes.

i got a cab downtown to get dinner at graft. it ended up not being depressing, but the food wasn’t as super as i remember; it was pretty salty. the bartender and a patron started talking about the situation at gib’s and i eavesdropped my way into the conversation cuz i am nosey.

i decided to take my time walking back to mickey’s since the music wasn’t scheduled to begin until 10, so i stopped at mother fool’s for a latte around 9:15 and i gave my leftover chicken to a guy that i know doesn’t have a whole lot of money.

i stopped in to see brian at cap city to talk about a half sleeve for my left arm. i’ve been feeling a little lop-sided and wanting to disguise the tribal on that arm. he was closing up and asked me to stop in on friday.

i got to mickey’s and tony bought me a drink and gave me his seat, the music was loud and this guy came up and sat down next to me and said, “becky gibson?” (i assume he spells it that way in his head) and i was like, “yes who the heck are you?” and he reminded me that he was a kid that hung out on state street a million years ago and always remembered how nice i was. we chatted for a while and he took me to his car to see his silly pit bull, hiro. we walked the dog around a bit and then headed back to the bar. i spent most of the time outside cuz everyone smokes. :/

i lost my refound friend and figured i didn’t want to wait around for a cab, so i walked home at 2am.

i didn’t sleep a whole lot and woke up at 9 friday morning, walked the dogs, tried to get matt to grab breakfast at daisy this time, but he declined. i went by myself and could barely eat. i came home to nap before my haircut and wasn’t feeling too hot when i woke up.

after the haircut, i went to check out the mickey’s patio opening party. friends with dogs were outside, soaking up the sun, so it was nice to see them. i sat inside and just really wasn’t feeling it, so i left before the outside people got too cold and came in. i got home, still feeling pretty crappy, and celebrated 4/20 and went to bed.

today (saturday), i have to start getting back into normal with chores and errands. but first, brunch at sardine with mom and george. it will be nice to see them as it’s been since easter.

my legs are really sore today from all the walking.