also also

a million years ago, my five-year-goal was to be freelancing from my kitchen island counter in my comfy clothes, staring out the kitchen bay window.

fast forward to 2018 and i’m not freelancing a whole bunch, but i am sitting on the couch, listening to steely dan, working on a side project and a work project. and it feels pretty okay.

before you ask

he’s not all the way out yet.

and i think the recent snow storm is going to have an adverse effect on the plans, but i’m saying that not even knowing what the plans are. i’d say he has at least two more truck fulls to move, and none too soon because i’m getting miffed at having to maneuver around the piles and his unconfined nest in the living room.

it’s not to say that i’m upset that he’s still here, but at some point, the band-aid needs to lose its stick and fall off.

i want to clean and vacuum and paint the steps so i can put the carpet runner down. i can’t do any of that with so many feet in the house. i can keep the dogs from using the stairs for a weekend day, but not humans or the cats. i want to sit on the kitchen floor and scrub the years of grime off. i want to decide on a f$&*ing color for the bathroom and paint it cuz i’m sick of looking at that green, and i’m sick of picking familiar shapes out of the peeled paint on the outside of the bathroom door.

in other, better news, i’m not feeling as hopeless and useless as i was a couple weeks ago. i still have other negative feelings about myself, but those were present long before the current situation.

broken record

more progress has taken place with the packing. more sadness has taken place because of it.

this morning, as i was leaving the bed, i asked if i would see him when i got home tonight and he said, “yes.” and then i started crying because in the next few days, the answer will be “no.”

so, i’ve decided to stop asking the question.

almost the end

matt got a lot of the big items and boxes moved yesterday; it’s nice to not have to shimmy around boxes.

it’s also weird to see how little i actually own. the house really seems like it’s too big for just me. and i don’t necessarily want to fill it with stuff; i don’t care for ‘stuff’. i am unsure if that’s because i lost memorable possessions in the flood of my childhood home, or because i haven’t lived by myself longer than one year in my adult life. or maybe i regard my current possessions as i do my friends: i have few very close but very important people in my life and don’t have much regard for the folks playing bit parts.

i wonder if that will change now.

today’s the day

we had a nice enough weekend, considering he spent most of saturday night packing. i haven’t slept more than 5 hours straight each night. my ear is still clogged, despite being on a decongestant constantly since thursday.

matt is moving the first floor of his stuff out today/night in order to make room for moving the rest tomorrow and the next day.

i brought merle to work with me to keep her out from underfoot while folks help move. she’s doing pretty well as long as i don’t get up from my desk. or get anything from my bag. or make a noise.

i’m starting to feel like she would have been just fine at home, but she cheers everyone up at work, so that’s good.

uncomfortably numb

my brain usually has a song stuck in it that i sing on my way to work; it helps me pedal faster. i then write the song down in my bullet journal each day. i just noticed that, in the last 25 days, i’ve only had three days with a song. if that’s not an indication of stress…

my ear is still plugged up, and i posted to facebook about my anticipation of when it finally clears and the joy with which i’ll be overcome. the post elicited many opinions about how to clear the wax from my ear and lots of opinions about how *not* to clear the wax from my ear.

i later spoke to my audiologist friend who, without being able to look inside, diagnosed it as fluid in the inner ear, since it sort of clears up when i bend forward at the waist and gets worse when i tilt my head back. it reminds me of those silly wave machines from the 80s (omg they’re expensive) that you’d put on top of your entertainment system.

in other news, matt packed some last night. i was a little disappointed that it wasn’t more but then i realized that it was the easy stuff. the stuff that didn’t need discussion*. except, i kinda wanted to keep all of the firefly figures since i paid for them, but they’re his. because i’m not a keeper of things like that. and when we get the next box, which had better be mal, he’ll get that one, too.

*i can look at most everything and tell if it’s his or mine. i realize now that i never really let him move in. claim space. make something there his own so he would be more at home. i don’t know if that was because of the circumstances when he moved in and that i hadn’t yet been able to claim space, and that just carried over time? or that i didn’t want all of his things to take up so much room? or i don’t know what. i guess i’ll find out how i feel when the house is all mine and looks empty because his presence (and everything that comes along with that) isn’t there.

it’s a strange feeling to simultaneously dread and look forward to that day.

yea, today isn’t so great

i keep randomly tearing up while sitting at my desk. i feel like i messed up another meeting where we were going to show a walkthrough of a website to the client but i wasn’t clear and didn’t have prepared what the project manager wanted to show.

i need a better system for managing my brain—hopefully, this is a temporary hiccup and i’ll get back to being able to remember everything and have a handle on all the things for which i’m responsible. maybe need to start using things again.

tonight is the first wordpress meetup of 2018 and i want nothing more than to just go home and sit on the couch after work, but i can’t. i have to host and pretend i want to be there and smile and make small talk and act like everything is just fine and that wordpress is so much more interesting than anything else in the world.

i feel like i’m going to run out of fake-it juice before too long.

stress level: 8

as of last night, there was still no movement in the packing department. his large coffee table is taking up most of the front room, with all of the boxes and styrofoam from my new furniture on top because recycling day is a week away. his tv table is in front of my stuff so i can’t get to anywhere easily.

this morning, i worked from home because i needed to get an update done before a business opened. when he came downstairs i got sad and told him that he needs to get packing.

then i came to work to realize that i had missed a 10 am phone meeting. and a whole bunch of shit started flying. and i don’t feel like i have control of anything and that makes me extremely anxious.

it makes me worry about when i need to have schedule flexibility for the dogs because i feel like i’m not as effective when i’m at home.

and i’m still coughing a lot and my ear is still plugged and my stomach is in a knot and my mood fluctuates so quickly that i feel like i’m on a boat offshore in the waves and i can’t find anything to grab onto.

another okay day

sleep is still elusive, i’m waking up anywhere between 1 and 3 am and staying awake up to 3 hours. thankfully, i’m able to defer my alarm clock until i’m annoyed with myself for getting up too late.

i’m eating a little better, at least for the last three days but have stuck to eating only half of whatever it is that i order because i’m not sure i need to eat so much anyway.

since i’m an obsessive planner of things, i figured out that i can take the #5 bus from almost right outside work to two blocks from home in the middle of the day if i need to let the dogs out and don’t want to bike there and back again. this will be a new experience as i’ve only ever used the bus system once and that was over 20 years ago.

matt also offered for scheduled circumstances but said he would help out in an emergency, too.

better day

the day isn’t over yet, but as of right now, it’s the best i’ve felt in over three weeks. this isn’t saying a whole lot, and i reserve the right for the trajectory to be bumpy, but i’m definitely feeling more productive at work and less distracted today.