my mom and i went to costco on saturday. i needed to get some snacks in preparation for having folks over on sunday and we went to daisy to eat afterward. i didn’t realize til we were eating that it was possible matt would come in with someone else and i wouldn’t know what to do. it made my anxiety rise… i’m really good at worrying about shit that isn’t going to happen.
i still had to go to woodman’s for my weekly shop, so by the time i got home and ready to start cleaning, it was already 3 and i didn’t want to do any of it.
but i cleaned off the stovetop and moved some stuff around and made sure the toilet wasn’t gross. by 5 i was done and didn’t want to be in the house anymore but it was cold and wet, so i asked josh if he was going around and would he grab me up to go to mickey’s? so he did. i stayed there for a while. it was nice to be back, actually. it wasn’t crazy busy and josh is usually a good distraction.
i walked to jeni street to get chicken for dinner and then called a cab cuz it was dark and i didn’t want to walk the path home.
i then proceeded to get kinda angry and called matt to yell at him and demand the keys back so i could throw the rest of the stuff in the house out onto the lawn. like i have time to do that.
i woke up sunday feeling pretty down but knew i had to get my shit together cuz people were coming over at 3. i went to mickey’s to get some food but felt like i had to hurry and leave when matt let me know that he was on his way there to make bloody mix.
having folks over for crafty was nice. cari, judy, and talitha came over and we talked and laughed and talitha asked if i had a good support network and i said yes and then i said no and then i started crying. i mean, i have a perfectly fine support network when i’m around people. and all of my friends have been so great in hanging out or checking in on me and seeing how i’m doing (even matt). but that doesn’t matter when i’m stuck in my own head when i’m by myself. picking apart things that happened so i can try to figure out where everything went wrong and feeling helpless to repair anything.
an old raver friend from a million years ago suggested i “try to erode the ground around the pedestal”, meaning keep reminding myself of the things that annoyed me so i can move on. that feels especially difficult because i really just want things back the way they were.
yesterday (monday) was pretty good at work. i felt like i could accomplish tasks and like i know wtf is going on.
today is pretty much the opposite. i went to bed feeling irritated and sad and woke up feeling pretty low, and now i get to bike in to work in just above freezing weather after it rained all night.
i wish the sun was out.