too nice for my own good

i don’t know how or when or why it happened, but in this whole mess of a situation, i’ve realized that there’s something about me that makes me feel like i’m an imposition on people. i find myself frequently apologizing for existing, being overly cautious about imposing on people’s time, even asking if it’s okay if i interrupt someone with whom i’m hanging out in order to go to the bathroom. wtf.

also, teacher friend called me last night to assure me that he made it home safely and i asserted that he should not forget to eat dinner. he said, “thanks, mom.” and i said, “please don’t be another person to call me that.” and he said, “you get that a lot, huh?”

yep. yep, i do.

time really is fleeting

teacher friend had a meeting at an east side school in the afternoon so he suggested we grab a cocktail or two; i hadn’t thought of a place to meet when he asked, so he suggested woody anne’s. i hesitated internally because of how awful i know woody is to women, and i shouldn’t patronize establishments in support of that behavior… but i also knew that meant no one i know would be there and i could avoid having to explain to anyone (who doesn’t already know) why i was hanging out with a man that isn’t matt. even tho, really, it’s no one’s business.

he told me about his week, and i listened because i listen better than i talk, and it really amazes me how little resources we give our teachers to work with. they’re here to shape the future generations of this country, and we barely give them books or supplies or support.

the bar was one stool away from being full when we got there. i realized later that it was happy hour—like, one where people are only there because the drinks are cheap. grandma judy was there, drinking champagne out of a flute. i don’t think she remembered me from a million years ago at wilson’s where she asked me to squeeze her butt because she had been exercising. this is a nearly 90-year-old bartending woman with leopard patterned clothes and hat.

the place cleared out and it was much quieter, but that meant people were more listeney.

i didn’t feel like making food when i got home, even though i’ve been really good at not ordering out. so, i ordered burrito drive but didn’t have the right amount of small bills for a tip, and the driver didn’t have the right amount of change, so he got more of a tip than i would have liked.

i watched some more of the office and ate dinner, knitted a little more on my mitered square blanket, and laid down when tired hit.

it’s weird… i used to look forward to the weekends, but now i’m kind of dreading them. :/

another weekend

my mom and i went to costco on saturday. i needed to get some snacks in preparation for having folks over on sunday and we went to daisy to eat afterward. i didn’t realize til we were eating that it was possible matt would come in with someone else and i wouldn’t know what to do. it made my anxiety rise… i’m really good at worrying about shit that isn’t going to happen.

i still had to go to woodman’s for my weekly shop, so by the time i got home and ready to start cleaning, it was already 3 and i didn’t want to do any of it.

but i cleaned off the stovetop and moved some stuff around and made sure the toilet wasn’t gross. by 5 i was done and didn’t want to be in the house anymore but it was cold and wet, so i asked josh if he was going around and would he grab me up to go to mickey’s? so he did. i stayed there for a while. it was nice to be back, actually. it wasn’t crazy busy and josh is usually a good distraction.

i walked to jeni street to get chicken for dinner and then called a cab cuz it was dark and i didn’t want to walk the path home.

i then proceeded to get kinda angry and called matt to yell at him and demand the keys back so i could throw the rest of the stuff in the house out onto the lawn. like i have time to do that.

i woke up sunday feeling pretty down but knew i had to get my shit together cuz people were coming over at 3. i went to mickey’s to get some food but felt like i had to hurry and leave when matt let me know that he was on his way there to make bloody mix.

having folks over for crafty was nice. cari, judy, and talitha came over and we talked and laughed and talitha asked if i had a good support network and i said yes and then i said no and then i started crying. i mean, i have a perfectly fine support network when i’m around people. and all of my friends have been so great in hanging out or checking in on me and seeing how i’m doing (even matt). but that doesn’t matter when i’m stuck in my own head when i’m by myself. picking apart things that happened so i can try to figure out where everything went wrong and feeling helpless to repair anything.

an old raver friend from a million years ago suggested i “try to erode the ground around the pedestal”, meaning keep reminding myself of the things that annoyed me so i can move on. that feels especially difficult because i really just want things back the way they were.

yesterday (monday) was pretty good at work. i felt like i could accomplish tasks and like i know wtf is going on.

today is pretty much the opposite. i went to bed feeling irritated and sad and woke up feeling pretty low, and now i get to bike in to work in just above freezing weather after it rained all night.

i wish the sun was out.

it’s been a long week

during one of the first sleepless nights, way back in december, i was on facebook trying to distract my brain and i saw an ad for a wall tapestry mandala thingy. so i ordered four. this one made it up on the wall this week; it reminds me of a peacock.

merley wasn’t feeling well yesterday, so i worked from home. i couldn’t get her to calm down unless i stuck her in the carrier. i had to set her down in order to use the bathroom:

i don’t think things are getting better… they’re just different. we still exchange texts, but it’s not the same. the feeling is gone. i think we both have become purposefully emotionally removed in order to get through to whatever the next phase is.

i just started bawling at my desk, so clearly, things are not good.

however, i did meet up with an old friend last night from a million years ago when mickey’s was different. like, before-they-served-food different. he’s a special education (or IEP) teacher with the madison school district and i have always been fascinated by his stories of the kids with which he has to deal. he gets the really … challenging ones. the ones that bite and kick and spit, and he can somehow calm them down in 20 minutes. so i listened in awe and was able to not think about my brain for a little while. i had initially intended on sharing with him the details of my predicament but decided that i’m tired of hearing myself tell the story and didn’t want the evening to be about me being sad.

something strange

a little while ago, i was getting moon explanations from chani nicholas but the videos were too long for me to watch every month, so now i just get her email horoscopes. anyway, in one of the video series, she mentioned that my social calendar would get full in the coming year (i think this was back in october) and i was like, “what? i don’t do anything outside of letting nora out to pee and waiting for matt to get home or wake up. what socializing am i going to be doing?”

fast forward to now and i’m trying to fill every moment with friends so that i don’t get stuck. except, i did proclaim yesterday out loud to no one that i should probably prepare for dying old and alone after a stroke in the bathroom or something. not one of my finest thoughts, but i had it nonetheless.

also also

a million years ago, my five-year-goal was to be freelancing from my kitchen island counter in my comfy clothes, staring out the kitchen bay window.

fast forward to 2018 and i’m not freelancing a whole bunch, but i am sitting on the couch, listening to steely dan, working on a side project and a work project. and it feels pretty okay.

broken record

more progress has taken place with the packing. more sadness has taken place because of it.

this morning, as i was leaving the bed, i asked if i would see him when i got home tonight and he said, “yes.” and then i started crying because in the next few days, the answer will be “no.”

so, i’ve decided to stop asking the question.

today’s the day

we had a nice enough weekend, considering he spent most of saturday night packing. i haven’t slept more than 5 hours straight each night. my ear is still clogged, despite being on a decongestant constantly since thursday.

matt is moving the first floor of his stuff out today/night in order to make room for moving the rest tomorrow and the next day.

i brought merle to work with me to keep her out from underfoot while folks help move. she’s doing pretty well as long as i don’t get up from my desk. or get anything from my bag. or make a noise.

i’m starting to feel like she would have been just fine at home, but she cheers everyone up at work, so that’s good.

uncomfortably numb

my brain usually has a song stuck in it that i sing on my way to work; it helps me pedal faster. i then write the song down in my bullet journal each day. i just noticed that, in the last 25 days, i’ve only had three days with a song. if that’s not an indication of stress…

my ear is still plugged up, and i posted to facebook about my anticipation of when it finally clears and the joy with which i’ll be overcome. the post elicited many opinions about how to clear the wax from my ear and lots of opinions about how *not* to clear the wax from my ear.

i later spoke to my audiologist friend who, without being able to look inside, diagnosed it as fluid in the inner ear, since it sort of clears up when i bend forward at the waist and gets worse when i tilt my head back. it reminds me of those silly wave machines from the 80s (omg they’re expensive) that you’d put on top of your entertainment system.

in other news, matt packed some last night. i was a little disappointed that it wasn’t more but then i realized that it was the easy stuff. the stuff that didn’t need discussion*. except, i kinda wanted to keep all of the firefly figures since i paid for them, but they’re his. because i’m not a keeper of things like that. and when we get the next box, which had better be mal, he’ll get that one, too.

*i can look at most everything and tell if it’s his or mine. i realize now that i never really let him move in. claim space. make something there his own so he would be more at home. i don’t know if that was because of the circumstances when he moved in and that i hadn’t yet been able to claim space, and that just carried over time? or that i didn’t want all of his things to take up so much room? or i don’t know what. i guess i’ll find out how i feel when the house is all mine and looks empty because his presence (and everything that comes along with that) isn’t there.

it’s a strange feeling to simultaneously dread and look forward to that day.

yea, today isn’t so great

i keep randomly tearing up while sitting at my desk. i feel like i messed up another meeting where we were going to show a walkthrough of a website to the client but i wasn’t clear and didn’t have prepared what the project manager wanted to show.

i need a better system for managing my brain—hopefully, this is a temporary hiccup and i’ll get back to being able to remember everything and have a handle on all the things for which i’m responsible. maybe need to start using things again.

tonight is the first wordpress meetup of 2018 and i want nothing more than to just go home and sit on the couch after work, but i can’t. i have to host and pretend i want to be there and smile and make small talk and act like everything is just fine and that wordpress is so much more interesting than anything else in the world.

i feel like i’m going to run out of fake-it juice before too long.