what just happened?

this was the first weekend without him.

i was only slightly productive in moving some things around in the bedroom and vacuuming. it’s nice to be able to have the upstairs front room door open (since the cats are gone); it lets the daylight in. it’s also nice to have the study door open.

i was supposed to get brunch with p&m on saturday, but shark week has started, and my cramps were dictating that i stay home. i was able to get to woodman’s and made some roasted chicken with asparagus. sunday, i was a little early to meet an ex-AG-coworker and ran into an old friend who was out of town for almost a year. it was good to see him. then my brunch date showed up and i got to belly-laugh for the first time in what seemed like forEVER.

my sleep schedule got all mixed up and i wasn’t in shape to be productive at work today, but i brought merle anyway, and we had an okay time. she started to get a little antsy around 1330 so we came home early. i love that place. the flexibility and people and trust is really the best thing right now as i figure out wtf my life looks like now.


he packed and moved some more stuff yesterday and asked if the cats could stay until sunday because he hadn’t gotten his bedroom straightened out for them yet. i said okay because if anyone should be shielded from stress, it should be nero.

at 2:30 this morning, i was woken by an unusual crashing sound. i got downstairs and the birdcage was on its side and alex was in the room. i’m not really sure if it was him that did it because he usually appeared to be the least interested in the bird. anyway, matt got some terse texts and a pissed off phone call.

he came and got the cats today. i will miss them a little, but i will not miss the smell of their litter boxes every time the furnace kicks in.


i got home to a nearly empty house. he had run out of time, so the cats were still here. a fact which i was surprisingly happy to learn about.

after a short sob-session, once i realized this was my future, i separated out the vinyl that i think is mine but really have no idea because i never played any of it on his turntable and i don’t own one myself, so i don’t even know why it matters.

then, i and the four-leggeds hung out on the couches while i played fallout. i’m nearing the point in the game where i need to do some longer missions in order to level up so that i can do the even longer ones. so i have to save those for a weekend.

i went to bed embarrassingly early and woke up for an hour or so at 1:30 and again at 5. the alarm went off and i snoozed cuz i was back into rem sleep.

this is it

he’s moving the cats today, which means he’s not staying at the house tonight. he told me as i was leaving for work this morning.


before you ask

he’s not all the way out yet.

and i think the recent snow storm is going to have an adverse effect on the plans, but i’m saying that not even knowing what the plans are. i’d say he has at least two more truck fulls to move, and none too soon because i’m getting miffed at having to maneuver around the piles and his unconfined nest in the living room.

it’s not to say that i’m upset that he’s still here, but at some point, the band-aid needs to lose its stick and fall off.

i want to clean and vacuum and paint the steps so i can put the carpet runner down. i can’t do any of that with so many feet in the house. i can keep the dogs from using the stairs for a weekend day, but not humans or the cats. i want to sit on the kitchen floor and scrub the years of grime off. i want to decide on a f$&*ing color for the bathroom and paint it cuz i’m sick of looking at that green, and i’m sick of picking familiar shapes out of the peeled paint on the outside of the bathroom door.

in other, better news, i’m not feeling as hopeless and useless as i was a couple weeks ago. i still have other negative feelings about myself, but those were present long before the current situation.

almost the end

matt got a lot of the big items and boxes moved yesterday; it’s nice to not have to shimmy around boxes.

it’s also weird to see how little i actually own. the house really seems like it’s too big for just me. and i don’t necessarily want to fill it with stuff; i don’t care for ‘stuff’. i am unsure if that’s because i lost memorable possessions in the flood of my childhood home, or because i haven’t lived by myself longer than one year in my adult life. or maybe i regard my current possessions as i do my friends: i have few very close but very important people in my life and don’t have much regard for the folks playing bit parts.

i wonder if that will change now.


by now, since i’ve been so quiet, i’m sure i have no readers anymore so i’m not going to be embarrassed to start this up again because i’m going to need to keep track of what’s going on and writing in my bullet journal isn’t fast enough to keep up with my brain.

this has been an awful time in the house. we had to put nora down at the beginning of december.

and three days ago, my best friend of over 8 years told me that he’s breaking up with me. and moving out this month. and leaving me. and i’m devastated.

since hearing this shocking, unexpected, and terrible news on saturday morning (the 28th) around 1 am, i’ve slept probably a total of eight to nine hours and eaten a total of a half cup of food. i have absolutely no appetite and i can’t stop my brain from thinking of all the things i should have done differently or all the things he does for me that he won’t be there to do. what i’m going to feel when the bed is empty and he’ll never be in it again. how i’m going to respond to the first person in public who asks how he is or we are doing.

i’ve been off of work since the friday before christmas and am looking forward to getting back to that routine, but i have no idea what life outside of work will become when i’m alone. single.

single for the first time since i was 21 (i had previously noted to a friend that the age was 15, but remembered a small break between ryan and kurt where i lived by myself for a year and was finishing up college–i was seeing a guy in chicago then and started seeing kurt while in that apartment, too, so i guess i wasn’t really single for that long).

the best i can do right now is make sure i keep my friends close. i have told a handful of people both at work and our mutual friends and am dreading changing my relationship status on facebook. how fucking dumb is that? i hate facebook.

i’m looking forward to getting back to work where there is a routine and the unpredictability of clients and dealing with their problems is easy(ish) for me to handle. then i’m going to have to figure out how to be by myself. i mean, i’ve spent the last 20 years with people who have opposite shifts than me and have had my share of alone time. but there was always a break to look forward to. a weekend of projects or errands or video games.

now it’s going to be just me.

i told erin, my office wife, that matt and i have been “floating along dysfunctionally just fine” and that’s why i was surprised at the news. i guess that phrase is indicative of the problem. matt’s not happy being a newly sober night person in a house where the only other human is asleep by 10 (at the latest).

i forgot to add that it’s becoming obvious that i need to work on self-love. i don’t know if my relationship(s) would be considered co-dependent, but it’s clear that i a) need affirmation and reassurance from my partner that i’m worthy, and b) don’t believe them anyway so they end up stopping telling me those things all together.

this road is going to be scary and different and terrible. i hope there is something good on the other end.

hope springs eternal

matt has a slightly new schedule. after working sunday brunch for 10 years, he’s giving them up. this means we have two whole days together, so instead of trying to squeeze in quality time, chores, projects, and errands into saturday, we can be leisurely about at least half of those things.

my first project is cleaning out the fridge. it’s been a while, and there’s a new smell that i don’t think should be present.

it’s supposed to be rainy all weekend, so we won’t be able to get started on the yard yet, but hopefully soon.

i also think it’s time for another detox/elimination diet, so i should get on planning that.

first thing’s first

you may remember the rotting porch that was dangerous for children and adults alike.


you also may remember my grand idea for a new porch that would showcase the front window and have a nifty bungalow sun thing on the roof fascia:


well, that plan did not work out because there wasn’t enough vertical space to make a roof between the corbels, attic vents, and upstairs window. also, a whole new roof probably would have doubled the cost.

what we ended up with is very nice looking, safe, and will last a lot longer than the previous “porch”.


i’m pleased with how it turned out. we have some more work to do, but the pending bill will halt further progress until more funds are obtained. the roof still needs a little more work, the siding around the door could stand to be replaced and recaulked, and the grade under the bottom step needs to come up 2″ to be to code. i also want to put lattice around the deck after we clean up the underneath, and move the decorative grass and mint somewhere. it might look nice to make a garden trench around the base. see? i’ve already come up with a nifty idea by just writing.


finally, i can use the wacom stylus that i spent way too much on for something. i took a picture of the house yesterday morning and drew a porch on it. if it were only that easy in real life.


the color is not accurate, it’s just so i can see it over the house. matt and i haven’t talked about painting yet, but i’m kind of excited to clean ‘er up and do something to make her pretty.