eight years

nearly eight years ago, i took matt with me to heartland credit union. i had a dormant checking account that i needed to get kurt’s name off of. unfortunately, that meant closing the account with a pretty short account number (bye hood cred!) and opening a new one. at the same time, i transferred debt from a chase credit card to a new card there, hoping to buy some time without interest. unfortunately, i also needed to use that credit to give kurt the agreed-upon dollar amount, buy an ipad, and get two huge tattoos on my ribs.

i just paid that card off today.

too nice for my own good

i don’t know how or when or why it happened, but in this whole mess of a situation, i’ve realized that there’s something about me that makes me feel like i’m an imposition on people. i find myself frequently apologizing for existing, being overly cautious about imposing on people’s time, even asking if it’s okay if i interrupt someone with whom i’m hanging out in order to go to the bathroom. wtf.

also, teacher friend called me last night to assure me that he made it home safely and i asserted that he should not forget to eat dinner. he said, “thanks, mom.” and i said, “please don’t be another person to call me that.” and he said, “you get that a lot, huh?”

yep. yep, i do.

time really is fleeting

teacher friend had a meeting at an east side school in the afternoon so he suggested we grab a cocktail or two; i hadn’t thought of a place to meet when he asked, so he suggested woody anne’s. i hesitated internally because of how awful i know woody is to women, and i shouldn’t patronize establishments in support of that behavior… but i also knew that meant no one i know would be there and i could avoid having to explain to anyone (who doesn’t already know) why i was hanging out with a man that isn’t matt. even tho, really, it’s no one’s business.

he told me about his week, and i listened because i listen better than i talk, and it really amazes me how little resources we give our teachers to work with. they’re here to shape the future generations of this country, and we barely give them books or supplies or support.

the bar was one stool away from being full when we got there. i realized later that it was happy hour—like, one where people are only there because the drinks are cheap. grandma judy was there, drinking champagne out of a flute. i don’t think she remembered me from a million years ago at wilson’s where she asked me to squeeze her butt because she had been exercising. this is a nearly 90-year-old bartending woman with leopard patterned clothes and hat.

the place cleared out and it was much quieter, but that meant people were more listeney.

i didn’t feel like making food when i got home, even though i’ve been really good at not ordering out. so, i ordered burrito drive but didn’t have the right amount of small bills for a tip, and the driver didn’t have the right amount of change, so he got more of a tip than i would have liked.

i watched some more of the office and ate dinner, knitted a little more on my mitered square blanket, and laid down when tired hit.

it’s weird… i used to look forward to the weekends, but now i’m kind of dreading them. :/

another weekend

my mom and i went to costco on saturday. i needed to get some snacks in preparation for having folks over on sunday and we went to daisy to eat afterward. i didn’t realize til we were eating that it was possible matt would come in with someone else and i wouldn’t know what to do. it made my anxiety rise… i’m really good at worrying about shit that isn’t going to happen.

i still had to go to woodman’s for my weekly shop, so by the time i got home and ready to start cleaning, it was already 3 and i didn’t want to do any of it.

but i cleaned off the stovetop and moved some stuff around and made sure the toilet wasn’t gross. by 5 i was done and didn’t want to be in the house anymore but it was cold and wet, so i asked josh if he was going around and would he grab me up to go to mickey’s? so he did. i stayed there for a while. it was nice to be back, actually. it wasn’t crazy busy and josh is usually a good distraction.

i walked to jeni street to get chicken for dinner and then called a cab cuz it was dark and i didn’t want to walk the path home.

i then proceeded to get kinda angry and called matt to yell at him and demand the keys back so i could throw the rest of the stuff in the house out onto the lawn. like i have time to do that.

i woke up sunday feeling pretty down but knew i had to get my shit together cuz people were coming over at 3. i went to mickey’s to get some food but felt like i had to hurry and leave when matt let me know that he was on his way there to make bloody mix.

having folks over for crafty was nice. cari, judy, and talitha came over and we talked and laughed and talitha asked if i had a good support network and i said yes and then i said no and then i started crying. i mean, i have a perfectly fine support network when i’m around people. and all of my friends have been so great in hanging out or checking in on me and seeing how i’m doing (even matt). but that doesn’t matter when i’m stuck in my own head when i’m by myself. picking apart things that happened so i can try to figure out where everything went wrong and feeling helpless to repair anything.

an old raver friend from a million years ago suggested i “try to erode the ground around the pedestal”, meaning keep reminding myself of the things that annoyed me so i can move on. that feels especially difficult because i really just want things back the way they were.

yesterday (monday) was pretty good at work. i felt like i could accomplish tasks and like i know wtf is going on.

today is pretty much the opposite. i went to bed feeling irritated and sad and woke up feeling pretty low, and now i get to bike in to work in just above freezing weather after it rained all night.

i wish the sun was out.

it’s been a long week

during one of the first sleepless nights, way back in december, i was on facebook trying to distract my brain and i saw an ad for a wall tapestry mandala thingy. so i ordered four. this one made it up on the wall this week; it reminds me of a peacock.

merley wasn’t feeling well yesterday, so i worked from home. i couldn’t get her to calm down unless i stuck her in the carrier. i had to set her down in order to use the bathroom:

i don’t think things are getting better… they’re just different. we still exchange texts, but it’s not the same. the feeling is gone. i think we both have become purposefully emotionally removed in order to get through to whatever the next phase is.

i just started bawling at my desk, so clearly, things are not good.

however, i did meet up with an old friend last night from a million years ago when mickey’s was different. like, before-they-served-food different. he’s a special education (or IEP) teacher with the madison school district and i have always been fascinated by his stories of the kids with which he has to deal. he gets the really … challenging ones. the ones that bite and kick and spit, and he can somehow calm them down in 20 minutes. so i listened in awe and was able to not think about my brain for a little while. i had initially intended on sharing with him the details of my predicament but decided that i’m tired of hearing myself tell the story and didn’t want the evening to be about me being sad.

something strange

a little while ago, i was getting moon explanations from chani nicholas but the videos were too long for me to watch every month, so now i just get her email horoscopes. anyway, in one of the video series, she mentioned that my social calendar would get full in the coming year (i think this was back in october) and i was like, “what? i don’t do anything outside of letting nora out to pee and waiting for matt to get home or wake up. what socializing am i going to be doing?”

fast forward to now and i’m trying to fill every moment with friends so that i don’t get stuck. except, i did proclaim yesterday out loud to no one that i should probably prepare for dying old and alone after a stroke in the bathroom or something. not one of my finest thoughts, but i had it nonetheless.

what just happened?

this was the first weekend without him.

i was only slightly productive in moving some things around in the bedroom and vacuuming. it’s nice to be able to have the upstairs front room door open (since the cats are gone); it lets the daylight in. it’s also nice to have the study door open.

i was supposed to get brunch with p&m on saturday, but shark week has started, and my cramps were dictating that i stay home. i was able to get to woodman’s and made some roasted chicken with asparagus. sunday, i was a little early to meet an ex-AG-coworker and ran into an old friend who was out of town for almost a year. it was good to see him. then my brunch date showed up and i got to belly-laugh for the first time in what seemed like forEVER.

my sleep schedule got all mixed up and i wasn’t in shape to be productive at work today, but i brought merle anyway, and we had an okay time. she started to get a little antsy around 1330 so we came home early. i love that place. the flexibility and people and trust is really the best thing right now as i figure out wtf my life looks like now.


he packed and moved some more stuff yesterday and asked if the cats could stay until sunday because he hadn’t gotten his bedroom straightened out for them yet. i said okay because if anyone should be shielded from stress, it should be nero.

at 2:30 this morning, i was woken by an unusual crashing sound. i got downstairs and the birdcage was on its side and alex was in the room. i’m not really sure if it was him that did it because he usually appeared to be the least interested in the bird. anyway, matt got some terse texts and a pissed off phone call.

he came and got the cats today. i will miss them a little, but i will not miss the smell of their litter boxes every time the furnace kicks in.


i got home to a nearly empty house. he had run out of time, so the cats were still here. a fact which i was surprisingly happy to learn about.

after a short sob-session, once i realized this was my future, i separated out the vinyl that i think is mine but really have no idea because i never played any of it on his turntable and i don’t own one myself, so i don’t even know why it matters.

then, i and the four-leggeds hung out on the couches while i played fallout. i’m nearing the point in the game where i need to do some longer missions in order to level up so that i can do the even longer ones. so i have to save those for a weekend.

i went to bed embarrassingly early and woke up for an hour or so at 1:30 and again at 5. the alarm went off and i snoozed cuz i was back into rem sleep.

this is it

he’s moving the cats today, which means he’s not staying at the house tonight. he told me as i was leaving for work this morning.