blue

i’ve been feeling exceptionally lonely lately. and feeling a little angry that i isolated myself to matt. and that he’s the only one who knows me completely. and it feels tiring to think that i have to go through all that again with someone new.

i really miss his hugs every day.

out with a bang

i had brunch with mom and george and then stopped at mickey’s for cribbage with josh.

that turned into a marathon session and i got home much later than intended, i cuddled up with merle and jones and watched supernatural until i felt tired and then went to bed.

since i had skipped groceries on saturday, i got up and went to the store right away on sunday morning. after that, i hopped down to mickey’s for brunch and the weather turned so nice that i ended up sitting outside for longer than intended and came home to order burrito drive, just to remind myself that there’s a very good reason for my discontinuing ordering out.

and now i’m back to work, with 161 unread emails. and apparently, people not reading my out of office message.

another year

matt and i made plans to get brunch and go to the bank cuz we both had full piggies. i got to daisy and they were closed due to heating issues, so we ended up at mint mark. it was a good-sized breakfast sandwich, but i’m not sure they were worth $8 each.

we did the bank and i had some st vinny’s stuff to drop off, and we parted ways.

i had planned on hanging at mickey’s for a short while and taking a nap before dinner, but on my way to the pub, i ran into jay, who was on his way to o’keefe and said he would be able to play cribbage at three. so i hung out and drank really slowly in order to lose two games (my cribbage streak over the last week has been pretty abysmal). after jay left, i hung out with russell for a little while.

around 6:30, i went home to feed and walk the dogs and then tried on a dress that i thought i would wear to dinner, but it didn’t feel very flattering or comfortable, so i just wore my regular clothes.

i got a cab downtown to get dinner at graft. it ended up not being depressing, but the food wasn’t as super as i remember; it was pretty salty. the bartender and a patron started talking about the situation at gib’s and i eavesdropped my way into the conversation cuz i am nosey.

i decided to take my time walking back to mickey’s since the music wasn’t scheduled to begin until 10, so i stopped at mother fool’s for a latte around 9:15 and i gave my leftover chicken to a guy that i know doesn’t have a whole lot of money.

i stopped in to see brian at cap city to talk about a half sleeve for my left arm. i’ve been feeling a little lop-sided and wanting to disguise the tribal on that arm. he was closing up and asked me to stop in on friday.

i got to mickey’s and tony bought me a drink and gave me his seat, the music was loud and this guy came up and sat down next to me and said, “becky gibson?” (i assume he spells it that way in his head) and i was like, “yes who the heck are you?” and he reminded me that he was a kid that hung out on state street a million years ago and always remembered how nice i was. we chatted for a while and he took me to his car to see his silly pit bull, hiro. we walked the dog around a bit and then headed back to the bar. i spent most of the time outside cuz everyone smokes. :/

i lost my refound friend and figured i didn’t want to wait around for a cab, so i walked home at 2am.

i didn’t sleep a whole lot and woke up at 9 friday morning, walked the dogs, tried to get matt to grab breakfast at daisy this time, but he declined. i went by myself and could barely eat. i came home to nap before my haircut and wasn’t feeling too hot when i woke up.

after the haircut, i went to check out the mickey’s patio opening party. friends with dogs were outside, soaking up the sun, so it was nice to see them. i sat inside and just really wasn’t feeling it, so i left before the outside people got too cold and came in. i got home, still feeling pretty crappy, and celebrated 4/20 and went to bed.

today (saturday), i have to start getting back into normal with chores and errands. but first, brunch at sardine with mom and george. it will be nice to see them as it’s been since easter.

my legs are really sore today from all the walking.

stumble and fall

i got some cabin fever yesterday, so i hopped on my bike while it was snowing and made my way down the path to the ohio. except the paths hadn’t yet been plowed and my non-studded tires are smooth as a baby’s bottom (what a weird phrase). i decided, halfway there, that it was only going to get worse and getting home would be more difficult than i’d care for, so i turned around to head home.

and fell.

on my knee.

nearly there

i finished up the painting, let it dry, and placed the carpet treads down to see how they look and i think it looks okay. i haven’t taped them down yet cuz i want to make sure jones is okay with using them (merle always shimmied up the outside of the plastic treads, so unsure what she’ll do now). it definitely makes walking on the steps a lot quieter.

now i need to clean up the wood trim (or should i paint it?), but i’ll save that for another snowy day.

almost done!

the paint went on so well with the cutting-in brush that i just kept at it instead of using the roller. i went heavy on the risers and light on the treads just to make sure i had enough paint. i ended up with a bunch leftover, so when this coat dried, i went over it once more with a roller to make sure i got all the risers.

i used a spotlight so i think i got everything, but it’s not like anyone would be able to see imperfections with just the hallway light on.

uncharacteristically down

i’m having trouble with my dentist appointment yesterday. the new hygienist was really upselly and seemed kind of fake nice. she reminded me vaguely of the awful boss i had at the doll factory, so it was hard to be comfortable. anyway, they did some gum root measurement something or other and discovered one of my front teeth gums is recessed to the point where they need to do a scrape root something or other? it sounds awful. and expensive.

i think i need to get a second opinion.

anyway, i met friends at the mezz afterward and had an okay time. it’s nice to be distracted, but i feel like i’m neglecting the dogs when i sit at a bar for a couple of hours. i did that enough of their life already.

i made dinner really late and didn’t get to sleep until midnight, and i still woke up at 7:30. and i almost immediately started crying. what the fuck is going on with me?

matt texted with his check in since he’s both being nice and aware of what’s going on in my brain. i asked for a phone call because i can’t text with tears in my eyes. we talked for a little while and i told him about the dentist and how i’m feeling low and how i asked a couple friends to come with me to birthday dinner tomorrow night but one (whose idea it kind was to invite rando folks) declined and i haven’t heard back from the other one. i’m not sure if i want to go by myself. a couple of weeks ago, i was looking forward to the idea of dressing up and taking myself out, but as it approaches and as my mood is not improving, it might be a terrible idea that ends with me bawling at the bar. classy.

this morning, jones wouldn’t come down the stairs (i had to pull him down) because the light grey color makes it look like a slide, so i need to get them painted and get the treads on today.

i’m also trying to coordinate cribbage with jay, a visit with kelli, and my nice friends at work are trying to get me to cancel both to go to geek’s mania (which i was actually planning on doing until my brain decided that i suck).

that’s enough from me for now. i’m sure i’ll have more to expound on later.

made it

well, i made it to today. it didn’t feel like i would for a while there. the feeling i keep coming back to is that of betrayal. having the faith that you’re with a lifetime partner and that disappearing is the embarrassing thought that overwhelms me, and the frustrating notion that follows is whether or not i’ll find or even trust someone else to be with. what if i don’t?

anyway, it wouldn’t be birthday week without a project, since i can’t just relax and do vacation stuff. i prepped the stairs on saturday with the intention of priming them yesterday while merle was at the vet, but we know now how that went.

i had to cut in a lot, thankfully i had a good teacher when i bought the house. that took a little over an hour, so i hooked up the fan and had lunch.

after it was clearly dry, i busted out the roller and covered the rest of the blue. it didn’t coat as well as i would like, so i think i’m going to need to touch up the risers at least, since the treads are going to be mostly covered with carpet, i don’t have much concern with the coverage on them except for 2-3″ on either edge.

this afternoon, i have a dentist appointment and then am meeting a couple of friends at “the mezz”, which is the bar inside of festival foods. since there’s not much time between now and the dentist, i think i’ll apply the actual paint tomorrow.

so tired

i was out late (for me) last night. the ohio has a cribbage thing on sundays, so i decided to go down since i had gotten a nap in, and the dogs were well-walked.

i think i got home around 11, maybe got into bed at midnight, and woke up with a start at 7 after not-very-sound-sleep. after getting merle to the vet, i took jones on a longer walk than would have been successful with both of them. when we got home, i was just too on edge. everything i thought was anxiety-filled or made me feel helpless or sad.

i tried to eat a chicken burrito bowl (it seems like it would be good) that i got at costco, but my mouth didn’t want to cooperate. i tried playing fallout (which is my go-to stress reducer) but i couldn’t focus. so, i checked in at work. just for an hour. i felt better almost immediately after getting some tasks from a project manager on a site that was supposed to launch today (but didn’t). not that i’m going to change plans, but i think taking the whole week off might have been a little zealous, considering that i need human interaction in specific intervals in order to balance out all the alone time i’ve been given.

matt ended up being able to come over and we talked a bit. well, i listened mostly and he talked. i prefer it that way; i’m a good listener.

we ordered crostini and hung out for a couple hours. it was nice. i’m thankful that we’re able to keep on at least this way. if i had to stop all communication, i don’t even want to think about how i would be.

but, right now, i’m exhausted and hollow. worry is heavy and tiring.

mood level = low

i’m feeling raw and sad today. i want to text matt and ask him if we can hang out when he gets back from chicago today but i know that he won’t want to. not sure if it’s better to imagine the rejection or to subject myself to it to get it over with.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me today. i am on the verge of tears, my stomach feels like it’s a huge knot, i feel really lost. aimless. stuck. i’m aware of the contradiction.

i hope it passes.