my friend kelli, whom i haven’t seen since the last time i was in turmoil, came over to visit on wedesday night. i think i had a few too many because i wasn’t able to get out of bed until 10a on thursday… so i sort-of worked from home. but mostly didn’t. i took a nap in the afternoon and then met maureen at mickey’s later in the afternoon. she had to leave for a dinner date, but i stayed. i told a few more people about what’s going on and hopefully, the grapevine will start to do it’s work so i won’t have to tell too many more folks.
i’m actually at work today, but not at full capacity. not at all.
yesterday was pretty bad. i couldn’t concentrate and cried a lot at work. and at home. and when i called my friend joe in california. and when matt got home from work.
he tells me, “we’re not right for each other.” what i hear is, “you’re not right for me.” and then i think of all the things i hate about myself and can’t get out of that hole. and then i start to cry again.
i’m working from home today because i don’t have the energy to deal. i really want to just go back to bed but i feel like i’ve been slacking at work and there is stuff that needs to get done.
i feel like i misspoke yesterday when i said that i’d been through things 100x worse. i don’t think i have, really. this is pretty awful. and even if i could compare this to any other breakup, it isn’t the same. it’s not like the relationship deteriorated into hatred or one of us did something specifically unforgivable.
i can only describe the feeling as having the rug pulled out from under me and free-falling. that’s how i’ve felt for over two weeks now. it’s starting to become maddening.
this morning, i was feeling pretty good on the bike ride. i even thought to myself (or did i say it out loud?) that i’ve been through 100x worse and that didn’t break me. but the day went on and my brain took me to places which i am afraid of knowing about. which led to my mood deteriorating rapidly and having a marked effect on my productivity at work.
i’m unsure how long i can manage at <=75% before i upset someone or drop too many balls or don’t have the energy to be enthusiastic.
i guess it wasn’t therapy, so much as needing to replace all of the things in the house that aren’t mine with things that are.
we had another “normal” saturday, where i woke up too early and worked on next week’s bujo layout and futzed around on the internet. we got lunch at daisy and then headed to costco because i needed to buy the first television that i think i’ve ever owned. then, i picked out some living room furniture and curtains on target’s website and, this morning, i ordered a handful of housewares from amazon.
spending all of that money makes me anxious and nervous, but i know i’m going to be doing a lot of sitting at home and i don’t want it to be in an empty, quiet house.
i’m feeling slightly less spinning-out-of-control now that it’s been a couple of weeks, but i imagine that feeling will return in droves once he’s completely gone.
my old friend, Colin, was working on mindfulness before our employment together came to an abrupt end. he mentioned, specifically, paying very close attention to what he does while he brushes his teeth. it reminded me to start thinking about getting up in the morning, being a little present before rushing off to begin the day, noting the sunlight and saying a little thank-you for waking up and feeling well enough.
this morning, while thinking about putting on my watch, i remembered something familiar. seven and a half years ago, i noted that the usual hole in my watch band no longer sufficed and i had to use the one smaller. i remembered it because i can see it’s happening again.
i’m trying to simultaneously hold on to each moment we have while he’s still in the house and imagine (dread) the next few months while i get used to being alone in it.
i’d been sick and home from work for the last three days. i decided that i needed to leave the house, so we went to red robin to get some food. i usually have a craving for their not-really-good burgers every three or four months. we determined that we hadn’t been there since matt stopped drinking; so it’s been a while.
we got back home and there was a package in the door from chewy.com–the place from where we had ordered nora’s prescription food. matt found they had a good deal and i was able to get even more money off from being a first time customer and setting up a recurring order… even tho i knew she wouldn’t make it through the 30lb bag of food at the rate we were looking.
during the ordering, i had to contact chewy’s customer service to make sure i could get the food with a scrip and they said all i needed to do was send a picture of it. during the exchange, they also asked for a picture of the furbaby for whom the food was. i sent the photo of nora wearing the tie because it’s the cutest.
i couldn’t figure out why they’d have sent something else since i knew i had canceled the auto-ship order. i opened it and inside was a card and a square wrapped in tissue paper. the card said they had a surprise for us and hoped that we’d love it. i started bawling before i even got to the tissue paper. they had commissioned someone to paint a portrait of nora from the picture i sent.
it was a heavy load of heartache on top of everything else going on.
it’s 4:30 in the morning. tonight has been particularly tough.
the past few days have felt “normal”. in the sense that we’re spending time together and making plans for future events. it’s probably not very good to be dragging this whole thing out, but i’m trying to soak up as much time with him as i can, all while trying not to be a naggy girlfriend about the situations that i need to let go of.
and, i’ve been home, sick. so we’ve been able to spend more time together this week. i worked on monday because i don’t like to admit to the fact that i’m sick and they make it really easy to work from anywhere. yesterday, i did not work much, except for to transfer some knowledge before a phone call meeting. today, i’m working a little cuz i’m feeling better.
i’m not looking forward to when packing actually starts.
i’m pretty sure my stress and lack of eating caught up with me; i’ve been sick since sunday morning.
more thoughts will come later, there’s no doubt about that.